Thursday, January 8, 2009

Are Women Allowed To Say That? By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

I've heard a woman exclaim ''Suck my dick!'' in anger exactly twice in my life. Both times, I giggled like a school girl.

Stream of Consciousness Eddie's thoughts are brought to you by: Pitney's peach-flavored synthetic jizz dildo enhancers. For when your dildo could use a little spunk!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

LTE's Learning New Slang Words: JIMP, JIMPING, JIMPIEST, JIMPED...and JIMPER

LTE's Learning New Slang Words: JIMP, JIMPING, JIMPEST, JIMPED...and JIMPER

Welcome to today's new slang lesson:

We all (46% of us) know what ''Jizz'' means. So we won't go over that. Due to past coverage, it's a dead horse and we don't want to beat it, right? When one jizzes in one's own pants, it's a special occasion as most jizzing occurs extratrouserly. Jizzing in one's pants has been happening since the advent of pants, though it didn't start till well after after the advent of jizz. It's even had a song named after it.

Anyway, JIMP is an acronym for ''Jizz In My Pants''.

Helpful derivations:

JIMPing is the act of jizzing in one's pants but no longer a true acronym. Still, it is slang.

Jimpers are those who jizz in their pants.

Jimped is the past tense of jizzing in one's pants.

Jimpy is an adjective for that which inspires the feeling that one might jimp or causes actual jimping.

Jimping is the present tense or *while* one jizzes in one's pants.

Jimpiest is a person or thing most exemplifying the act of jizzing in one's own pants. This may be the trickiest as far as common usage. When attempting, use like: ''That picture of Cynthia Rothrock is the jimpiest one of her ever! When she kicks like that, I just want to jimp! Hell, I think I just jimped it's so jimpy!''. or ''This chocolate is so good it's almost jimpy!'' if you're one of those chocolate fetishists. Also, to an attractive person ''You're so jimpy tonight, baby!'' Now you know. You're welcome.

This edition of LTE's 'Learning New Slang Words' is brought to you by: AGM's Star Wars Christmas Collectible Figurines. Now introducing 80's Vader - Corey Hart edition! He has the helmet off but he's got some wicked nighttime sunglasses on!

Monday, December 22, 2008

LTE's Life Advice: Mental/Buttockal Disharmony

So, you've freed your mind. But, alas, your ass did not follow. It's alright. It's nothing to be ashamed of. If the first attempt always worked, Donny Osmond could've starred in Super Fly. Dig? The point is, you likely freed your mind without making way for your ass. So, what happened? Your mind was freed and your ass had nowhere to go. It stayed put. You gave it no choice. Now, with this newfound understanding, go ahead and try it again. You and the Captain, can make it happen. Peace.

Example of a properly freed ass:

This edition of LTE'S Life Advice is brought to you by: Superfreak Rubbers. That's Superfreak Rubbers-'Cause you can't hit shit like that with a regular condom and expect to stay healthy.

Monday, December 8, 2008

LTE's Never Before Released Online Greeting Cards: For Roommates

---Please, send this web page to roommates you've done this to. Don't let another day go by without just saying you're sorry.---

This edition of LTE's Never Before Released Online Greeting Cards is brought to you by: Hayward Jablomi's Flying Nut Wormer. For when YOU need it and NOT because Fox News has been trying to scare you into it.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

LTE's Badly Drawn Thoughts: Vol. 1

This edition of LTE's Badly Drawn Thoughts was brought to you by: That crazy street preacher in front of your office building. Remember: If it weren't for him, you would totally not know he was Jesus or that Meth was sacred.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

LTE's Inflammatory Statements: Shallow

~ Nicole

LTE's Inflammatory Statements: Shallow

We submit that Naomi Watts, less popular of BFF Aussie combo Kidman/Watts (Wattkid), is actually hotter than Nicole Kidman.


This edition of LTE's Inflammatory Statements is brought to you by: Wattkid's BFF erotic Vegemite paste. That's Wattkid's BFF erotic Vegemite paste: Proving for over 4 years that anything can be sexy.