The Hidden Dangers of ADD: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie:

The Hidden Dangers of ADD: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie:

I'll never forget that day. It will live on in infamy. I stood at the toilet bowl and my stream wasn't even particularly strong. Particularly for a Mountain Dew drinker. Anyway, that's whence it happened. The sensation that horrified me so. I could've sworn on my eyes that indeed somehow, through an amazing turn of circumstance and an improbable distance traveled...a wet spot no more than one millimeter from my lower lip appeared on the left corner of my mouth.

'No!' I thought. It's not possible! Certainly, these droplet spatters can occur on the shoes...the shins and knees when wearing shorts as well. But a splash-back all the way up to my mouth? No! It must have been a 'phantom sensation'. Or my brain misread a signal. It happens. You know how sometimes the cells get confused between hot and cold? Sometimes you think something is damp but it's really just cool, like a pillow? It happens. Surely, a hair tickled the corner of my mouth and my brain misinterpreted it to be wetness. Especially since I was peeing and thinking all wetly.

No, I was convinced that it was urine. Disgusting. I would, of course, wash that area when I went to wash my hands. Anyway, after I finished urinating, I got cramps. I would have to delay the soap and water, I knew, turning around and unbuckling my belt to drop anchor. Many things passed through my mind as I saw the cramps through and came out victorious in the end. I thought of things like why Ringo wasn't more respected as a Beatle, whether Woody Allen fans have never heard that he's a sex offender or if they have and just don't care because they think he's talented. Also, why my girlfriend carries a picture of her and Noah Wyle in her purse when I know it was originally me and her at the 1996 apple fair. Anyway, as you can see, my mind did not stay on the topic of the urine splash droplet that landed on my face.


By the time I got to the sink, I was on a new topic. Should I grow sideburns? It's been on my to-do list for a long time but I really hate that in-between period where you don't have sideburns but it is clear that you haven't shaved your whole face either. So, I only washed my hands and dried them on that towel I stole from Helen Hunt's house and left the bathroom aloof and happy. It was hours later that I was eating lunch. I remember that clearly. It was a club sandwich. Clearly, one from a lousy club. I could feel some hot sauce had dribbled down the corner of the left side of my mouth when my tongue shot out and mopped it up and OH SHIT! ACH! I remembered!

That is just one example of the hidden dangers of ADD...Urine-tongue.

A Party At Helen Hunt's House: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

I was at a party at Helen Hunt's house. True story. It was a nice house. I liked her monogrammed towels. They were very soft. They were fancy Moroccan towels or something. You know, the kind only rich people have. Especially the kind rich people in show business have because their skin is all sensitive from the years of chemical exposure from the overly intensive make-up applications.

Anyway, I was in her bathroom and unless they had a security camera in there, nobody would be the wiser. She's rich, she can afford more than a few fancy-assed Moroccan goods. So, I took a towel. I stole it. I put it down my waistband and pant leg. I smuggled it out of there.

I started using it in my bathroom but it bothered me that it had her initials on it. Plus, I felt a little effeminate drying my face and hands on dandified, overly soft towels like that. So, you know, I started using it for other stuff. Less dignified stuff. I won't say what. She'll never know. She probably wonders here and there why her monogrammed towel got stolen. All her friends are rich, why do they need to steal?

I'm not a friend. I crashed that party, I wasn't invited and I'm not rich. I'm not proud of it but it's not the worst thing you can do. I just knew there'd be good food there. I was wrong though. It was just cucumber sandwiches and vegan type stuff. I got a really nice towel out of it though. I watch Helen's movies sometimes and if the character is likable, I'll be like ''I wish I hadn't stolen her towel but it's way too late to give it back now.''

*Remember: They can't do that much to you for stealing a towel or crashing a party unless you do something crazy. Just don't be crazy. Talk to people, lie and say you're in independent films or something that sounds show businesslike. Eat the cucumber sandwiches like they're good, be gracious and don't steal anything more significant than a monogrammed towel. Nobody'll care that much.