Thursday, June 26, 2008

Men's Special Email Rules: Written By Men

Men have an email psychology that you don't know about. In an effort to save both your time and his, read these rules. There are ten rules because ten is an even sounding, technical number. This list only covers the male majority. There are always special circumstances.

Rule #1: No Inspirational Emails.

Explanation: Heterosexual men, who are not artists of some kind, do not need inspiration of any kind. Everything that a man does worth doing requires no inspiration. It may require time, money, alcohol, confidence or fiber. But it does not now, nor will it ever, require inspiration of any kind.

Rule #2. No religious emails.

Explanation: If it contains a seriously religious slant, you should know that most men are closet atheists. I know, it's hard to believe but totally true. Unless a man has specifically said something very religious in a positive way or holds an official religious position like a rabbi or minister, he is a closet atheist. In the event that you are still dating a man and you've made it clear that you are religious, anything pro-religion that he says should be held under a microscope. If you are a man's mother or sister, he will avoid telling you that he is an atheist because it will likely lead to your disappointment followed by guilt and nagging.

Rule #3: No cute emails.

Explanation: If you think something is cute and funny, the man you want to send it to won't think it's funny. For men, the revulsion caused by cuteness cannot be overcome by the urge to laugh. While many other revolting things may cause laughter( i.e., flatulence), cuteness isn't one of them.

Rule #4: Do not send emails with these specific images and anything related to them: Cherubs, angels, children, puppies, kittens or young of any species.

Explanation: Reread the above rules. Likely it will fall under religion, cuteness, inspiration or God forbid, all three. No pun intended.

Rule #5: No emails with ''girl power'' humor.

Explanation: If it's a joke which carries the soul purpose of demonstrating that men are simple and women are complex, he will delete it without reading it. Why? Well, it's not that complex. It's really quite simple, actually. Men do not really believe women are wiser or smarter. Ever hear that saying ''It's funny because it's true''? If the joke is that women are smarter than men and men don't believe that, it won't be funny due to a lack of realism. Sorry.

Rule #6: Don't send emails of family gatherings (Especially if they require downloading).

Explanation: Pretty much, if you email a man a picture(s) of any event that he attended, he will not need to see it. Men remember seeing what they want to remember seeing. So, if they wanted to remember it, it's useless to see a picture-they remember it! If they didn't want to remember just made it more difficult to forget.

Now, occasionally, even things we remember will be good in picture form for the purpose of nostalgia. Unfortunately for most of these emails, a picture needs to be at least twenty years old. This crosses out most of the pictures you are likely sending around. Women have trouble understanding this, so let's give an example.

Man thinking: Oh, great. It's a picture of my Uncle Earl grabbing my Aunt Emma's flabby ass at Cousin Doug's 10th wedding anniversary. I intentionally forgot all about that, thanks.

More man thinking: Oh, a picture of me staring at that waitresses' butt during Dad's birthday party at Hooters...This was only a month ago and believe me, I remembered.

Nostalgic man thinking: That's my dog Pete standing next to my old 1970 Thunderbird that I had in high school where I lost my virginity! Oh, where did you find this? Good times...Thanks for sending me that picture. I miss that car...I miss that dog...I miss Suzy Van Dorn...

See, again, the picture needs to be quite old and probably have a dog, bike, car or truck in it to cause a warm, fuzzy feeling. If it's a picture of himself as a child, you should know that this will also fall under a previous rule in regard to cuteness and revulsion.

Rule #7: If it's something ''touching'', stop right there.

Explanation: We don't want to be touched by email forwards (especially at work) any more than we wanted Father Bishop touching us back before we were atheists. If the point is to bring a tear to our eye with something sentimental, know that either we will be completely unaffected by it-therefore wasting both of our time or we will in fact be moved, then resent you for it. It's a no-win situation for both of us.

*The likelihood that we will resent you for a ''touching'' email is low because we can recognize this crap from the first line 99% of the time and will delete it before touching can even begin to take place.

Rule #8: No pass 'em-ons:

Explanation: If you are forwarding anything that even hints for us to forward it to any other people, we may get violent. It doesn't matter if the nature of the letter is political subversion of the democratic, republican or independent kind. It doesn't matter if it's a superstitious good luck, find your true love, fame and fortune or best friends forever chain letter. Most of us will either ignore it or feel burdened enough to pass it on, with the sense that they're being taken advantage of just because you know their email addresses. We will then block you from emailing us again and stop answering your phone calls.

Rule #9: Don't send anything with a poem.

Explanation: Likely the poem will involve religion, cuteness, touching elements, inspiration or really bad humor with a touching, inspirational, cute and/or religious tone. Therefore, someone might die.

Rule #10: Don't send emails unless you've read and understand this list with the intention of complying to its demands.

Explanation: Just don't, damn it!

*Remember: Men don't think women are smarter. It's not chauvinistic, it's just nature.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Excerpts from the mystery novel, I Spy A Spy's Spy With A Spy's Eye:

source: Chapter 8: The Night Light & The Night Fight.

''They made love for hours. They made love for hours and hours. 17 hours to be exact, is what it seemed like. It took eleven minutes but it felt like 17 hours, which would be the record for how long he'd ever felt like he'd made love. Make no mistake, they were a good 11 minutes of lovemaking. They were comfortable enough alright. Agent 00.2 and Svetlana Bluejeansky had truly broken their respective covers, under the covers and under cover of darkness. 'T was darkness with a small Sesame Street nightlight to be accurate. Their lovemaking was so comfortable that Agent 00.2 had fallen asleep twice without Svetlana noticing, really. She had just assumed that he stopped for a mitigating effect. When all was said and done, Agent 00.2 knew something was wrong. Svetlana did not ask him what he was thinking. She instead opted to ask him if he knew the exact location of Disneyland.

He could tell that he was in a sticky situation. He may have made his biggest blunder yet. As he thought back to the comfortable lovemaking, he began to recall the queefing. 'Why, those weren't random queefs at all', thought Agent 00.2, in quite a queef-stricken state. Dear, God, they were purposeful, willful, intelligent in pattern, controlled and cunning! Why hadn't he realized that it was Russian but in Morse code? Had he not been trained for just such a ploy? By Jove, he was trapped! The room was bugged and Disneyland would be targeted by the KGB if he told Svetlana the exact location. He would not tell her. He mustn't. Unfortunately, the beautiful Russian woman with the fake Polish accent and the prosthetic toe would know he was on to her if he didn't answer. He was just going to have to do some quick thinking after all.''

*This is an advanced excerpt printed with permission from the author for promotional purposes only and is not to be duplicated by any other source without express consent by the author, Sir Thanial-Bane P. Elmbleby. Get the full copy when the book is released in March. Enjoy the preview, mystery fans.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Best Myths & Legends: Popobawa!

POPOBAWA One rendering of the beast in question.

The following is a true, documented piece of modern lore: Repeat: We are not making this up:

Creature: The Popobawa/Popo Bawa
Hails from: Africa, more specifically terrorizing Tanzania with a particular focus on the island of Pemba and the country of Zanzibar.

From what I gather, the Popobawa is a big man with bat-like features like wings and he is built like a demonic John Holmes in the crotchial region---meaning he is reputed to have a gigantic penis. The Popobawa is an incubus-a male sex demon, that is. Not just any sex either. What he does with said large penis is to sodomize men. Apparently, Popobawa is like a batty character from HBO's prison series, Oz. He just roams around the island making unsuspecting villagers his bizzitch. This dude is one bad mamma jamma. Some say that he is an ogre, some say he is a ghost. Some say that Popobawa is a shape-shifter, walking around as a normal man during the day and transforming into the big-penised, bat-like, corn-holing monster at night. Some half-assed historians say that a witch doctor conjured and released his slave genie on his neighbors for a major smackdown, then just sort of lost control of him and now he just smacks down everybody he feels like smacking down. Oh, please note the picture above-he's a cyclops...get it?...symbolism...fear of the penis. The likely reason behind this big bum-humping story? Politics! Duh! The basic theory behind this from the modern world is that the Popobawa is a political tool, used to get politicians elected by superstitious voters. ''Don't worry, my countrymen! I Will protect your asses from demon sodomy!'' says the region's elected officials.

Special note: Popobawa is far scarier and more badass than certain other modern mythical creatures, namely the tiny-penised Chupacabra who doesn't even have the badassitude to anally rape his victims. What a sissy old Chupes is.

*Remember: John Holmes and Popo Bawa have the world's biggest, most gigantic penises.

Links to verify that I ain't makin' it up:

1. Investigative Files: The Skeptic-Raping Demon Of Zanzibar
2. Sex-Mad ''Ghost'' scares Zanzibaris
3. Terror, tourism and odd beliefs
4. Popobawa on Wikipedia
5. Popobawa's Mahalo page