Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Verified Facts Americans & Canadians Should Know:

Ladies and gentleman, there is a threat to American homes that has never been more prevalent or dangerous. A threat so big and so potentially alarming to the public that most news programs refuse to cover it. A threat that could have you as John or Jane Q. Public running for the hills. It's invaded many American homes and a few Canadian ones already.

Why isn't this issue taken seriously? Why aren't these threatening figures out there being reported by CNN or WKRP? Because they've been made to look like benign factors by the very misinformed Michael Keaton movie known as Multiplicity. The threat I'm talking about is of course, clones. Clones are not nice life-helpers or neat conversation pieces. You can't take your clone out on a double date or order them to mow your lawn. The fact of the matter is that you can't live with your clone at all. But, they don't tell you this.

*Fact: Clones immediately kill whoever they're cloned from, if and when the opportunity presents itself.

*Fact: Your clone will pretend to be you and refuse to ever come clean about being your clone once they've disposed of your body and taken over your life.

*Fact: You can't know a clone when you see one. You might be living with one as we speak. It might have killed and chosen to impersonate your wife, husband, roommate, Uncle, Grandmother, child, nanny or that young Norwegian art student who rents out your attic.

*Fact: Clones eat kittens for fuel. You'll never know because there will be no remains. They eat their cute kitten ears and their tiny kitten paws and their scrawny kitten tails. They do so indiscriminately, with no regard whatsoever to whether or not the kitten deserves it and they don't care if it's a family pet. Clones need to eat and they have a very strong instinct for self preservation.

*Fact: Clones purposefully spit in your food. If you allow a clone to make you a sandwich or cook Sunday dinner, there will be clone loogy hawked all over it.

*Fact: Clone loogy isn't like normal human loogy. It's highly acidic and will give you heartburn. If you've ingested enough clone loogy, you will develop ulcerative colitis.

*Fact: Clones are racist. Whatever race a clone is will be the only race they like. *The exception to this rule is a multiracial clone. They tend to not be racist but they are usually communists.

*Fact: Clones are predisposed to follow Scientology. They won't say anything about it but they'll never miss a John Travolta or Tom Cruise movie. Given enough time, all clones will be able to recite all the dialogue in Battlefield Earth and Jerry Maguire. No one knows why but many conspiracy theories have been offered by Richard Belzer.

*Fact: Clones are not exact replicas of the person they are cloned from. In fact, clones are smarter, stronger and have more pronounced genitalia than their predecessors.

*Fact: Clones are evil. They will not use their intellect, strength or enhanced sex characteristics for the forces of good. Only to eat kittens, watch John Travolta movies and spit in your food.

Now that you are aware of the danger of clones, please be careful. When a clone is found out, they become extremely homicidal and sometimes explode, engulfing you in flame. For more information on buying a home clone detector for just $19.95 or, roughly the cost of one cup of coffee on the way to work, please call 1-800-AcidLoogyBad or go to Amazon.com.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The true origin of the song 'Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey

The true origin of the song 'Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey':

Elbert P. Munkee was the head chemist and researcher studying semisynthetic psychedelic drugs in the ergoline family when he discovered what he called ''The ultimate truth, no longer to be hidden from the human mind.''. This drug was called Lysergic acid diethylamide or LSD. Now it is known mostly as 'Acid' in street slang. LSD became a vice and a cause for Elbert. Doctor Munkee, a chemist, psychologist and trippicist, openly took the drug and promoted it to fellow people from Amsterdam. He claimed that they should stay off of Marijuana and other street drugs because they weren't ''laboratory tested or doctor approved.'' like his precious LSD was at that time and in that particular vicinity. It should be noted that the only doctor who approved of it was Munkee himself. Elbert would take the drug and go on hours-long ''confession sessions'' where he would air out all of his questionable actions and somewhat amoral fantasies.

He became a cult leader and led numerous Amsterdamian youths and hobos into using his dangerous 'truth medicine', as he called it. ''You'll have nothing to hide with modern science's all-purpose truth medicine.'' he was quoted as saying in a sermon to his flock, just before trying to fly on an invisible pelican's back and falling off of his kitchen table. Around this time, the popular band known as The Beatles, from Britain, had toured through Amsterdam and been confronted by a very high Doctor Munkee. Munkee converted the band into users of LSD, resulting in numerous songs being written. Many of the songs were never published like ''Owoohadoobah hahaha!'' and 'On the sand, riding a crab taxi' which was penned by Ringo. Munkee's preaching of LSD as well as the band witnessing several ''confession sessions'' inspired John to write a tongue in cheek ditty called 'Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey'. Of course, monkey and Munkee are pronounced the same and no one would ever know.

That is, until Doctor Munkee finally passed away a few years ago in an insane asylum located by an Amsterdam brothel where he spent years after his cult followers lost interest and became wine drinking, yuppie businesspeople in charge of a line of disposable hemp underwear products. Once Munkee passed away, his lawyer released video footage of him with the band which showed John playing the song for him and telling him he'd written it about the good doctor. That solved the mystery once and for all about the meaning and origin of the song.

*Interesting note: Doctor Robert Freymann and Doctor Munkee were bitter enemies, oddly enough. The band actually attempted to bring them and their methods together in friendship and harmony by recording a mix that combined both Doctor Robert and Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey and adding the line ''We can work it out.'' over and over in the background. It didn't work. They always hated each other, bitterly.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Traffic of Your Twitter: A Graphic Sexual Haiku: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

The Traffic of Your Twitter: A Graphic Sexual Haiku: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

The sun shines - when I Google your Twitter.
The sun shines - when you Yahoo my web log.
It is storming - when I ping all over your Twitter.
I have an umbrella - to shield you from the storm.

A cloud disappears - when I Google your Twitter
But - alas - your Twitter has too much traffic.

*Okay, so maybe that doesn't technically classify as a Haiku but that bitch broke my heart, man. She had an amazing Twitter. Ladies, don't go off getting a bunch of traffic with your Twitter. It's not right when you've got a steady guy who's crazy about Googling your Twitter and you clearly enjoy Yahooing his web log until he Pings like a mutha. Anyway, I think I've made my point and done it in a classy, artsy-fartsy, high brow type of manner at that.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Nancy Grace has a weapon, and in other news: Sean Paul Rocks out with THOTH!: By Youtube Fanatic

1. It seems like I never watch television anymore because I watch everything online. I'd rather just see the freak-worthy 3 minute clips of a crappy show like America's Got Talent than watch a whole damned episode of mind numbing ''entertainment''. Okay, that's a lie. The whole thing is a freak show, I take it back. It's all worth watching. I love you AGT! Sharon! Sharon! Oh-okay, I think I just dribbled a little bit. Anyway, my first pick of must-see youtube video clips is...drum roll, please... S. K. THOTH! What? Did I have a stroke or did you hear that right? Yeahhhh, you heard that right. His real name is not Thoth...it's Stephen Kaufman. I think that's why he has the S. K. in front of the name of an ancient Egyptian deity's name. Just saying ''Thoth'' might make you slobber on whoever you're talking to, so this may just be part of a prank he's pulling on the world. Anyway, Thoth, has a web site where he says he ''heals through divine prayformance''. Is 'prayformance' a word? No. It's a word he made up combining prayer and performance. Hey, at least he's not full of himself. So, Thoth took his act to America's Got Talent and proved that...no, we don't have talent. Here's my first youtube video pick:

If the embed code becomes mercilessly unavailable, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ke93vH1eEw

2. Oh, Nancy Grace. The beloved sweetheart of CNN and Court TV. Legal commentator and warm, welcoming television host. Seriously, if there was ever a woman who looked like she would stab you directly in the heart with a Ginsu knife while she's having sex with you, it's Nancy Grace. The woman can burn holes in you with the beams of laser-like fury that shoot out of her eyes. She's like that evil super-chick from the second Superman movie only not so much of a looker. I still have dreams about that super-chick. What the hell was her name, anyway? It doesn't matter...my second youtube video pick is a blooper from Nancy Grace's show...whatever it's called, no one cares. Her poor underling, Clark Goldband sets himself up to be strangled and castrated after the show, no doubt. Enjoy:

If the embed code becomes mercilessly unavailable, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDvJB9JoyBU

3. And, finally, last but not least. My third pick for youtube video sensation is courtesy of youtube user Xikaze. I love misheard lyrics videos. However, usually they aren't...in English. But, thanks rap music! Jamaican rapper, Sean Paul gives the perfect ingredients for not knowing exactly what the crunk he's saying with the song 'Temperature'. Here is the brilliant misheard translation music video:

If the embed code becomes mercilessly unavailable, click here:

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Hidden Dangers of ADD: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie:

The Hidden Dangers of ADD: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie:

I'll never forget that day. It will live on in infamy. I stood at the toilet bowl and my stream wasn't even particularly strong. Particularly for a Mountain Dew drinker. Anyway, that's whence it happened. The sensation that horrified me so. I could've sworn on my eyes that indeed somehow, through an amazing turn of circumstance and an improbable distance traveled...a wet spot no more than one millimeter from my lower lip appeared on the left corner of my mouth.

'No!' I thought. It's not possible! Certainly, these droplet spatters can occur on the shoes...the shins and knees when wearing shorts as well. But a splash-back all the way up to my mouth? No! It must have been a 'phantom sensation'. Or my brain misread a signal. It happens. You know how sometimes the cells get confused between hot and cold? Sometimes you think something is damp but it's really just cool, like a pillow? It happens. Surely, a hair tickled the corner of my mouth and my brain misinterpreted it to be wetness. Especially since I was peeing and thinking all wetly.

No, I was convinced that it was urine. Disgusting. I would, of course, wash that area when I went to wash my hands. Anyway, after I finished urinating, I got cramps. I would have to delay the soap and water, I knew, turning around and unbuckling my belt to drop anchor. Many things passed through my mind as I saw the cramps through and came out victorious in the end. I thought of things like why Ringo wasn't more respected as a Beatle, whether Woody Allen fans have never heard that he's a sex offender or if they have and just don't care because they think he's talented. Also, why my girlfriend carries a picture of her and Noah Wyle in her purse when I know it was originally me and her at the 1996 apple fair. Anyway, as you can see, my mind did not stay on the topic of the urine splash droplet that landed on my face.

By the time I got to the sink, I was on a new topic. Should I grow sideburns? It's been on my to-do list for a long time but I really hate that in-between period where you don't have sideburns but it is clear that you haven't shaved your whole face either. So, I only washed my hands and dried them on that towel I stole from Helen Hunt's house and left the bathroom aloof and happy. It was hours later that I was eating lunch. I remember that clearly. It was a club sandwich. Clearly, one from a lousy club. I could feel some hot sauce had dribbled down the corner of the left side of my mouth when my tongue shot out and mopped it up and OH SHIT! ACH! I remembered!

That is just one example of the hidden dangers of ADD...Urine-tongue.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Excerpts from the mystery novel, I Spy A Spy's Spy With A Spy's Eye: Part 2:

*This is an advanced excerpt printed with permission from the author for promotional purposes only and is not to be duplicated by any other source without express consent by the author, Sir Thanial-Bane P. Elmbleby. Get the full copy when the book is released in March. Enjoy the preview, mystery fans.

Chapter 25: The Fatal Mukluk

''Agent .002 stood atop the elevator with his hands trembling around the P08 Luger which he took from the old Nazi war criminal after the little miss Eskimo competition. Had anyone guessed who really funded that contest, it would have been a worldwide scandal. A worldwide scandal that would out the little miss Eskimo runner-up as a midget hooker from Amsterdam with a baby face and a poisonous dart that shoots out of her right mukluk.

He would stop this evil plot at any cost. Even if it meant confronting Svetlana Bluejeansky, his old nemesis and former lover. She wasn't going to get him this time. She wasn't going to help the man with the golden nostril infiltrate America's nightclub scene.

So it turned out that the man with the golden nostril, the man with the silver gonad and the man with the jeweled nipple were all the same man. And that man was trying to plant a Russian bomb directly inside Lyndsay Lohan's vagina.

Danger is the unheralded secret weapon of all KGB operatives and elderly Nazi war criminals. Especially the ones that masquerade as BBC journalists. This plot was even more evil then its sinister sister plot at the little miss Eskimo competition. The celebrity guest for that event? Lyndsay Lohan. She would undoubtedly fall victim to the masculine wiles of the man with the golden nostril. They would later make it to the night club scene and at some point . . . the Russian bomb would . . .''