Saturday, November 22, 2008

LTE's 'Learning New Slang Words': Learn The Definition of 'Elmo Milk' the EASY way!

LTE's 'Learning New Slang Words': Learn The Definition of 'Elmo Milk' the EASY way!

Main Entry: Elmo Milk
Function: Noun, verb, plumbing
Etymology: Elmo Milk is composed of two words.

Elmo: A red, fuzzy creature with a low IQ but a renowned social empathy. Elmos are a race of creatures from the lost Canadian Province known as Abootia. They became extinct before Abootia was abandoned in 1740.

*Elmo, the popular Sesame Street character was named after the red pygmy Elmo sloth ape which was hunted to extinction by German immigrants in Canada. The meat was said to feed thousands of immigrants and taste like chicken with paprika. Some were kept as pets but usually died trying to pet local grizzly bears.

Milk: a fluid which is secreted by the mammary glands of females for the nourishment of their young or a fluid which is white in appearance or a sickly greyish white but super sticky as well as protein-based.

The term 'Elmo Milk' was first used by rapper, Skullface Killer4Life in a song called ''Ima jack you up den jack off, bee-atch.), when he said '' Yo. Ima rip into your (Censored) when you see me (censored) like a (censored) for your (censored). Talkin' 'bout Elmo Milk like a thug cuz you ain't got a (Censored) for the mug and I ain't gonna (Censored) up a (Censored) for no (censored) when I Elmo Milk it like it's a drug. Step offffffffffff!!!!''

Shortly after this song was popularized on a very special episode of Friends where Joey and Chandler learn how to crunk on the street like it's their birthday, it was added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Oddly, it was only recently that it was added to the Urban Dictionary.

Strangely, neither Merriam-Webster nor Urban Dictionary have really nailed down exactly what it means. Then again, Skullface Killer4Life was known to make up words with vague or non-existent meanings which were never fully understood. He now lives in an asylum for the criminally Jermaine; An asylum for insane criminals who pathologically dress like Jermaine Jackson of The Jackson 5. Anyway, we're sure there's some freaky sexual connotation to the word and that it has to involve seminal fluid. We're really not sure about the Elmo part. That's just wrong, far as we're concerned. Use it however you want, anyway.

This edition of LTE's ''Learning New Slang Words'' is brought to you by Melson's Zucchini-Man Condoms. Condoms that say they are extra large but are really built for the average sized man (according to 1994 AMA statistics). That's Melson's Zucchini-Man Condoms: What average men buy when they want to feel like Zucchini-Men.

LTE's ''Feel Better, Loser'', volume 1: Winter Hygiene

LTE's ''Feel Better, Loser'', volume 1: Winter Hygiene

Dear Reader,

We just wanted you to know that it's okay. You don't have to shower or bathe all winter. You may feel ashamed for not cleaning yourself because it feels too cold. You may feel like a spoiled little sissy. A wuss. A complete asshole. A dirty, filthy, smelly, old, crusty asshole.

... Well, feel better, Loser. Colder air is cleaner and will get you less dirty than warmer air. Also, the amount of your sweat will be insignificant as long as you cover yourself with deodorant and other scents of cologne or perfume and baby powder. You barely sweat when it's cold. anyway!

If you choose to not bathe or shower or even take a ''whore's bath''. it's simply not an issue. It doesn't matter if it's less during the winter, or not at all during the winter. No one will be the wiser and you'll be healthier than all those other clowns who catch colds from soaking themselves, while there is a chill in the air- EVERY DAY! You'll be healthier and immune to colds.

Lastly, many, many other people stop exposing themselves to water altogether because they're averse to the cold. They don't drink water, they don't wash their hands, they don't shower. Some of them rich and successful. And, some of them are members of the military and the WWE. So, believe us, you're no sissy. There is no shame in skipping the soap, shampoo and water because you are averse to the cold. It'll be fine! Cheer up! You're not a disgusting jerk with no regard for the awkwardness you inflict on others! You're normal, well-adjusted and super cool!

Sincerely Yours,
The staff of LTE

This edition of LTE's ''Feel Better, Loser'' is brought to you by The Simpsons Movie-Because watching it six times a day in syndication is almost like stealing! The Simpsons Movie: You don't want to be a thief, do you?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Microwave ovens were not invented by nazis

Microwave ovens were not invented by nazis:

Sammy Bullshit, our resident fact checker at LTE has been taking questions for us and chosen to answer the following for this week's query:

''Dear Sam,

I heard the Nazi's invented the microwave oven back when there was a war with em. Is that true?

Jimmy the Gherkin''

Sammy writes:

''Dear Jimmy,

I sincerely hope your mother's doing better and want to offer my condolences for your brother Sal. Sure is a shame. Ironic-like, I hear he never liked fish or swimming...

With regards to your question- the German people did not invent the microwave back when they were nazis. Honest. I have it on good authority that it was Saul E. Microwavenberg from Brooklyn, back in 1971. I know because he's my massage therapist's second cousin.

See, a lot of people think they called it a microwave because it cooked stuff by ''microwaving'' it. But, this is pure bullshit, my friend. That was all just a coincidence with his name. So, the name really works on two levels but you have my word that if it had cooked things using some other kind of wave like a macro one, he'd still have called it a microwave, out of ego. I hope that answers your question.

PS: Don't forget about that thing. I made sure to talk to the guy about it. Don't disappoint me, my friend...Again, condolences about your brother.''

This week's question was brought to you by Lowbrid cars: Because, hey, who wants to be all self righteous with those new-agey ones?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

LTE Fan Mail: Vivica A. Fox Sex Tape Real or Fake?: By Matt

LTE Fan Mail: Vivica A. Fox Sex Tape Real or Fake?: By Matt

Hi all. This is Matt-editor, contributor, moderator and emperor of LTE. Welcome to our first fan mail post of LTE. This is where I'll be printing our fan mail out and attempting to answer each item within the post. Of course, the reason is because we get each of these questions or comments so much that it would save us all time and trouble if I answered them just once, in this post. Here is some of our fan mail and we would add, thanks for taking the time to you special, special people.

''...And, another thing. Why don't you ever write anything funny?''
~ Jan in Texas, USA.

''Hey guys. yall R funny bout things like farts and wiener jokes. I like that I guess.''
~ Mike in San Francisco, California, USA

''I like to roll a dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!''
~ Anonymous

''Obarma's a terrorist! Stop making fun of McCain with that fake butt plug ad! BITCHES!''
~Faith in Chuckwold, MO, USA

''I want more videos fro you tube and stuff. I don't like reading much. Thanks''
~ Jimbone in America

''Yo, did you see that sex tap with Vivica A. Fox going down on that guy? Why don't you do something about that? That tape was way too short!''
~John, Cincinnati, Ohio, USA

''You guys suck a (censored) and (censored) in the (censored) while you (censored) your own dogs!''
~ Sally in Wisconsin, USA

''Can you do a post about the kinda farts that smell like turkey after thanksgiving? That would be pretty funny.''
~ Roveywade, New York, New York, USA

''Whats the name of that one that you did?''
~ Jeff

''Dear LTE,
I want to thank you for this opportunity to voice my opinion. I worked in the dairy industry for well nigh thirty years. We have never and will never do that to the milk or the cows. You are liberal propagandists and elitist mudslingers and God will have his vengeance in this life or the next. You are going to be raped by the scepter of Jesus for your diseased, wickedness. I hope you get your unholy testicles stomped on by an angel's foot, you no-good so and sos. Stop your wickedness before the rapture.
Sincerely yours,
Bev from Fundyland, Montana, USA''
~ Bev in Fundyland, Montana, USA

Thanks to everyone for writing and giving permission to print your well-chosen words on our humble little site.

To Jan:
Because, Jan. If we start writing funny things now, you'll start expecting it. This will create much unneeded pressure on our staff.

To Mike:
Mike, thanks for the compliment. If we try to do anything it's make wiener and fart jokes more common.

To Anonymous:
We do not legally encourage nor morally discourage your dooby rolling. Thank you for your commitment to activism, though.

To Faith:
I do not know of an Obarma but I'll be happy to look into that for the purposes of national security. The fact that we advertise McCain butt plugs is really just a weird campaign-time coincidence. The company is not owned by Senator John Mehoff McCain, to our knowledge.

To Jimbone:
Jimmy, we'll certainly try to get more videos from youtube Fanatic on here, so you don't have to read stuff. The problem is that he's very busy hanging out with Anonymous and doing...other stuff.

To John:
Yes, I saw that sex tape for free over at and it was unGodly short but that was actually a fake. It was not Vivica A. Fox. She was good though and she should be applauded. I just can't think of anything funny about it, however. Thanks for the request. Sorry we cannot fulfill it.

To Sally:
I can assure you that none of us have ever done that with a dog unless you mean dog as a slang term for an ugly human. In which case, we've all done that and most of us have done that together in groups. We swing.

To Rovey:
I've never had the good fortune of doing that but I suppose around Thanksgiving, we could do a little something about it.

To Jeff:
It was called 'The Hidden Dangers of ADD' and we're glad you were thinking about it.

Lastly, To Bev: Sorry about the sinning. My father was Catholic and Stream of Consciousness Eddie's whole family was also. As for the rest of us, there's no excuse. They're just weak.

This edition of LTE Fan Mail has been brought to you by: McCain's Maverick Butt Plugs. Butt Plugs that stay the course, never pull out and drill for oil when prompted. That's McCain's Maverick Butt Plugs: The most Mavericky Butt Plugs brought to you legally, since 1843.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Excerpts from: Tales of The Gunfighter And The Prostitute And The Indian And The Law by Fairy Druderbaum

Excerpts from: Tales of The Gunfighter And The Prostitute And The Indian And The Law by Fairy Druderbaum

We hope you enjoy this advanced copy excerpt of the soon to arrive latest Wild West novel by acclaimed New York fashion designer, Fairy Druderbaum. The following is printed with permission. All Rights Reserved © 2008 Fairydru, Inc.

From chapter 13, page 13:

''The gunfighter and the Mexican in the yellow hat stood at the center of town. It was not yet high noon but just eleven something. The gunfighter stared at the Mexican in the yellow hat but saw no fear. ''Alright, boys. Let's make it clean. No bullets to the face or groin. Especially the groin. If one or both of you survive, I want some viable customers out of ya.'' said the prostitute. The gunfighter nodded, wondering what the prostitute's name was. The Mexican nodded but wondered why it wasn't clear he was more of a man's man. 'The big banana yellow hat with the black silk sash should have been a clear enough message.' he thought.

Everyone backed up. The gunfighter began to feel a strange anal itch. A tickling, itchiness that he did not like. He wondered if perhaps it was not a parasite poking its head out for air. After all, he did like his pork barely cooked. No matter... There was killing to be done. 'Oh! There it is again!' he thought. It was very distracting.

Staring at the Mexican's eyes wondering who would be able to draw first, he shifted his right butt cheek to try and quash the itch and if it was a parasite, maybe just squeeze its head back into the hole. Just then, the Mexican pulled his pistol with the pink diamond studded handle and fired before the gunfighter could finish his buttockal shift and BLAM!...''

Look for another excerpt from Fairy's novel, next week. It'll be out in time for Christmas shopping, in case you were worried.

This excerpt has been brought to you by Fairydru footy pajama add-ons. If your pajamas don't have the feet in 'em, then you can always ask Fairydru to help!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Anonymous Confessions, volume 2: The old man's troubles

Anonymous Confessions, volume 2: The old man's troubles

This monologue was recorded with a tape recorder in the basement of an anonymous old man and written down for publishing with permission. Names have been changed.

''Well, I ran into old Nelly Biggles at the church bake sale today. Bought some, uh, nut butter crispies, there. Won't be able to chew 'em up too good less I dip 'em in my coffee. That's the way I like 'em. . .You like cookies? Here. Have one. You probably got yourself your original good teeth. Oh, old Nelly Biggles. . . Boy was she a piece O' tail back in the day. Breasts so perky her nipples would get hard enough to cut glass, like the diamonds do. Bottom so squeezable it was like a firm, uh, uh, uh, thing, I suppose. Now, she's just a dried up old windbag for Jesus. Jesus this and Jesus that.

She didn't never used to talk no Jesus when she was talkin' 'bout sexin' and sinnin'. No, sir! Ah, well. Good times is gone now. No, why, she just looks like a slinky with eyes, now. Nobody wants her talkin' 'bout no sexin' anymore, that's for sure. But, she could talk 'bout Jesus a little less. The man was humble; wouldn't want to be the center of attention every dadblamed minute! ''EHHH, buy these nut butter crispies for the Lord!'' she says. Shut up, woman. You've got yourself a problem.

The Lord don't want no nothing from cookie sales. He's fine. You're the one who ain't fine. You probably still goin' ta Hell with all that sinnin' we did back up on old Bushmill Hill. Why even through the war, I never encountered such a slut. Was a great girl, then anyway. Ah, I'm not complainin'.

Now, why, I'm limper than a rubber noodle on a Tuesday dinner plate just tryin' to compete with the buttered ear of corn, if ya catch my drift. So, it's not like I'm runnin' her down for bein' older. No, I don't have the sex anymore. Truthfully, I'm glad I don't.

I stopped likin' sex around my eightieth, as it can go with a bad back and a bad hip...well, and a limp noodle, too...I suppose. Not much in it for me anymore. That's why I got a dog. Dogs don't want no sexin', just food.

Well, I suppose they is some dogs that are perverts and do want sexin' from people but then again, they is some people that is perverts who want the sexin' from dogs but I ain't talkin' 'bout those ones. No, I'm talkin' of normal dogs, you see. They is good, not perverts.

Why, I'm a normal, non-perverted man, myself. I don't want nothin' from my dog but somebody to talk to. Somebody that don't ramble on 'bout Jesus all the time.

Anyway, I guess that's my confession- That I'm all jelly in the under shorts and I used to get sinful with old man Biggles' daughter, Nelly and I only talk to my dog.

Just so we're clear, it's just talk, once again. Neither of us is perverts or nothin'. . . Okay, you boys better leave now. It's time for the Wheel of Fortune and I've got to take my fish oil or I won't be able to get my second movement in before I go to sleep.''

*This edition of Anonymous Confessions is brought to you by Johnson's Bottles.

Johnson's Bottles: Bottles for your Johnson.

LTE's Statistical Anomalies: Politics And The Internet

LTE would like to report that 83% of McCain supporters used Internet Explorer to dig up dirt on Obama, while 91% of Obama supporters used Firefox to dig up dirt on McCain. That's Firefox: 312, Internet Explorer: 6. We'll keep you updated on any further changes in score in the oncoming weeks.

This edition of LTE's Statistical Anomalies is brought to you by: Soyhug's organic vegan soy gravy. That's Soyhug organic vegan soy gravy - because cow flatulence causes hurricanes and if you pinch your nose it almost tastes like real gravy, sort of. Mmmm. Have you had your Soyhug organic vegan soy gravy today?

Soyhug's products are not responsible for the environmental conditions of Earth or any other planet, or genetic mutation in fish or humans.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Anonymous Confessions: Volume 1

Anonymous Confessions: Volume 1

Sometime after purchasing a 'members only' jacket at a garage sale, I converted to an alternative lifestyle. It was after I was accosted by a man outside the local Wal-Mart. He said '' 'Members Only' jackets are for queers, MARY!'' and walked on. Though I'd never thought of the intimate company of another man before, I immediately knew that I was in fact one of those said queers. A Mary, as the case may be. Gayer than Liberace's left nut.

The man who had accosted me was unlocking his car door when I ran up to him and grabbed his arm. Spinning him around to face me, I yelled ''Only those afraid of their own desires feel the need to make random observations about others' sexuality with a negative connotation, Homo!''. A brawl ensued.

We're now considered a legitimate married couple in Macedonia. It's been nine years. Last Tuesday, while watching an old movie from the eighties, I saw Emilio Estevez was wearing the same jacket I had been so long ago-my ''coming out'' jacket. He was making out with a lovely young lady. It was then I realized, the last phase of my life had been a lie.

Because, if Emilio Estevez was wearing a Members Only jacket, I knew not only gay men wore them. In fact, those permeating with masculinity and man-on-woman sex mojo must be able to wear those jackets if Emilio Estevez ever did! I then realized that all those times I have been rollicking down the Hershey highway, I wasn't even turned on.

I wasn't gay! Steve was wrong all those years ago. I was wrong for even considering his supposition. I don't have the balls or the heart to tell Steve, though. So, I'm just going to keep gaying it up with him, living straight in my mind, in secret. We're going antiquing tomorrow, then to a Coldplay concert. ...Damn it.

This anonymous confession has been brought to you by: McCain's Maverick Butt Plugs. Butt Plugs that stay the course, never pull out and drill for oil when prompted.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Who won the 2008 elections?: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

Yes, I can. . . I'm a maverick, too.

Who won the 2008 elections?: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

Everyone will be asking who won the 2008 elections, soon. I say, either way, I will still be masturbating to Sarah Palin for at least the next four years. Now, I know some people will have a problem with that. Feminists mostly, thinking that I am sexually objectifying her because of her womanhood. Really? Well, maybe you'll be surprised to know that I will also be equally masturbating to Joe Biden for the next four years, win, lose or draw. Ha! How do you like that? Think I'm not down with feminism? Well, what the Hell do you know?

It should be mentioned that I'll only be masturbating to Joe Biden to be equal. I won't enjoy it at all. I probably won't be able to climax without thinking of him WITH a partner. That's where my Masturbation Fantasy Supplemental Plan strategy comes in. When I watch porn, it's usually man on woman. So, nothing new. You know. Basically, my strategy, even though I can rarely stick to a masturbation fantasy strategy because of my ADD, is to picture Biden having sex with Palin. See, that way it's equal time. Equal sexual objectification. Well, not objectification. Sexual non-discrimination. See? Now, I'm not saying my Masturbation Fantasy Supplemental plan (MFSP) won't ever need to be reformed.

I don't want it to be divisive or what have you. It may need tweaked. There may be external male climax. I might get there and feel like internal male climax is best and external climax is sexist. I don't know. We'll have to see. Run the numbers. Crunch them. Consult the experts. Create a panel of advisory personnel, perhaps. Biden may be on top, Palin may be on top. They may both be in a seated position. There may be slides, trampolines and Velcro. I guarantee that to the best of my ability, nobody will have the upper hand. Palin may wear a strap-on. Again, it won't be anti-feminist. She could be doing the penetrating. How feminist is that? Pretty damn, would be the answer, there. Pretty...Damn.

There will be foreplay. Biden will not objectify Sarah's upper chestial area. Sarah will not squeeze Biden's scrotum in a militant way, either. There may be cupping. Sure, cupping, light rubbing but no squeezing which would give her the upper hand. I couldn't be impartial if there were squeezing. Just the same, Sarah's chest will not be squeezed but only subjected to rubbing and cupping like Biden's testes. Perhaps slight smooshing. No, no, smooshing would be wrong. That would be sexist. I wouldn't have her smooshing Biden's testes, so Biden can't be smooshing her anywhere either. I see that now. The point is, that no matter who wins, I am devoted to these Vice Presidential candidates being masturbated to without bigotry or prejudice towards either. That's my pledge to you, the American people. I'm Stream-of-Consiousness Eddie and I approve this masturbatory message.

This message is paid for by the female committee to get Eddie to masturbate with more frequency and fairness (FCTGETMWMFAF)