Friday, August 8, 2008

The Hidden Dangers of ADD: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie:

The Hidden Dangers of ADD: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie:

I'll never forget that day. It will live on in infamy. I stood at the toilet bowl and my stream wasn't even particularly strong. Particularly for a Mountain Dew drinker. Anyway, that's whence it happened. The sensation that horrified me so. I could've sworn on my eyes that indeed somehow, through an amazing turn of circumstance and an improbable distance traveled...a wet spot no more than one millimeter from my lower lip appeared on the left corner of my mouth.

'No!' I thought. It's not possible! Certainly, these droplet spatters can occur on the shoes...the shins and knees when wearing shorts as well. But a splash-back all the way up to my mouth? No! It must have been a 'phantom sensation'. Or my brain misread a signal. It happens. You know how sometimes the cells get confused between hot and cold? Sometimes you think something is damp but it's really just cool, like a pillow? It happens. Surely, a hair tickled the corner of my mouth and my brain misinterpreted it to be wetness. Especially since I was peeing and thinking all wetly.

No, I was convinced that it was urine. Disgusting. I would, of course, wash that area when I went to wash my hands. Anyway, after I finished urinating, I got cramps. I would have to delay the soap and water, I knew, turning around and unbuckling my belt to drop anchor. Many things passed through my mind as I saw the cramps through and came out victorious in the end. I thought of things like why Ringo wasn't more respected as a Beatle, whether Woody Allen fans have never heard that he's a sex offender or if they have and just don't care because they think he's talented. Also, why my girlfriend carries a picture of her and Noah Wyle in her purse when I know it was originally me and her at the 1996 apple fair. Anyway, as you can see, my mind did not stay on the topic of the urine splash droplet that landed on my face.

By the time I got to the sink, I was on a new topic. Should I grow sideburns? It's been on my to-do list for a long time but I really hate that in-between period where you don't have sideburns but it is clear that you haven't shaved your whole face either. So, I only washed my hands and dried them on that towel I stole from Helen Hunt's house and left the bathroom aloof and happy. It was hours later that I was eating lunch. I remember that clearly. It was a club sandwich. Clearly, one from a lousy club. I could feel some hot sauce had dribbled down the corner of the left side of my mouth when my tongue shot out and mopped it up and OH SHIT! ACH! I remembered!

That is just one example of the hidden dangers of ADD...Urine-tongue.


blaine_fridley said...

great. freaking. blog.

i most certainly wish not to rob you of the trusty comedic device of self-deprecation, but i think it's safe to say you can rid your profile of the "so-called" you have currently typed in front of the word "humorists".

in fact, i would most definitely like to submit any of you should feel free to do at --- look for the lazy 3rd eye on our "links o' love" too.

keep it up!

Kat said...

hey loved the post and thanks for the visit even though you felt compelled to not post and therefore be labeled a wanker, really it is a term of endearment.... really

JR said...

mmm.... mountain dew.