Thursday, June 26, 2008

Men's Special Email Rules: Written By Men

Men have an email psychology that you don't know about. In an effort to save both your time and his, read these rules. There are ten rules because ten is an even sounding, technical number. This list only covers the male majority. There are always special circumstances.

Rule #1: No Inspirational Emails.

Explanation: Heterosexual men, who are not artists of some kind, do not need inspiration of any kind. Everything that a man does worth doing requires no inspiration. It may require time, money, alcohol, confidence or fiber. But it does not now, nor will it ever, require inspiration of any kind.

Rule #2. No religious emails.

Explanation: If it contains a seriously religious slant, you should know that most men are closet atheists. I know, it's hard to believe but totally true. Unless a man has specifically said something very religious in a positive way or holds an official religious position like a rabbi or minister, he is a closet atheist. In the event that you are still dating a man and you've made it clear that you are religious, anything pro-religion that he says should be held under a microscope. If you are a man's mother or sister, he will avoid telling you that he is an atheist because it will likely lead to your disappointment followed by guilt and nagging.

Rule #3: No cute emails.

Explanation: If you think something is cute and funny, the man you want to send it to won't think it's funny. For men, the revulsion caused by cuteness cannot be overcome by the urge to laugh. While many other revolting things may cause laughter( i.e., flatulence), cuteness isn't one of them.

Rule #4: Do not send emails with these specific images and anything related to them: Cherubs, angels, children, puppies, kittens or young of any species.

Explanation: Reread the above rules. Likely it will fall under religion, cuteness, inspiration or God forbid, all three. No pun intended.

Rule #5: No emails with ''girl power'' humor.

Explanation: If it's a joke which carries the soul purpose of demonstrating that men are simple and women are complex, he will delete it without reading it. Why? Well, it's not that complex. It's really quite simple, actually. Men do not really believe women are wiser or smarter. Ever hear that saying ''It's funny because it's true''? If the joke is that women are smarter than men and men don't believe that, it won't be funny due to a lack of realism. Sorry.

Rule #6: Don't send emails of family gatherings (Especially if they require downloading).

Explanation: Pretty much, if you email a man a picture(s) of any event that he attended, he will not need to see it. Men remember seeing what they want to remember seeing. So, if they wanted to remember it, it's useless to see a picture-they remember it! If they didn't want to remember just made it more difficult to forget.

Now, occasionally, even things we remember will be good in picture form for the purpose of nostalgia. Unfortunately for most of these emails, a picture needs to be at least twenty years old. This crosses out most of the pictures you are likely sending around. Women have trouble understanding this, so let's give an example.

Man thinking: Oh, great. It's a picture of my Uncle Earl grabbing my Aunt Emma's flabby ass at Cousin Doug's 10th wedding anniversary. I intentionally forgot all about that, thanks.

More man thinking: Oh, a picture of me staring at that waitresses' butt during Dad's birthday party at Hooters...This was only a month ago and believe me, I remembered.

Nostalgic man thinking: That's my dog Pete standing next to my old 1970 Thunderbird that I had in high school where I lost my virginity! Oh, where did you find this? Good times...Thanks for sending me that picture. I miss that car...I miss that dog...I miss Suzy Van Dorn...

See, again, the picture needs to be quite old and probably have a dog, bike, car or truck in it to cause a warm, fuzzy feeling. If it's a picture of himself as a child, you should know that this will also fall under a previous rule in regard to cuteness and revulsion.

Rule #7: If it's something ''touching'', stop right there.

Explanation: We don't want to be touched by email forwards (especially at work) any more than we wanted Father Bishop touching us back before we were atheists. If the point is to bring a tear to our eye with something sentimental, know that either we will be completely unaffected by it-therefore wasting both of our time or we will in fact be moved, then resent you for it. It's a no-win situation for both of us.

*The likelihood that we will resent you for a ''touching'' email is low because we can recognize this crap from the first line 99% of the time and will delete it before touching can even begin to take place.

Rule #8: No pass 'em-ons:

Explanation: If you are forwarding anything that even hints for us to forward it to any other people, we may get violent. It doesn't matter if the nature of the letter is political subversion of the democratic, republican or independent kind. It doesn't matter if it's a superstitious good luck, find your true love, fame and fortune or best friends forever chain letter. Most of us will either ignore it or feel burdened enough to pass it on, with the sense that they're being taken advantage of just because you know their email addresses. We will then block you from emailing us again and stop answering your phone calls.

Rule #9: Don't send anything with a poem.

Explanation: Likely the poem will involve religion, cuteness, touching elements, inspiration or really bad humor with a touching, inspirational, cute and/or religious tone. Therefore, someone might die.

Rule #10: Don't send emails unless you've read and understand this list with the intention of complying to its demands.

Explanation: Just don't, damn it!

*Remember: Men don't think women are smarter. It's not chauvinistic, it's just nature.

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