LTE's Statistical Anomalies: Politics And The Internet

LTE would like to report that 83% of McCain supporters used Internet Explorer to dig up dirt on Obama, while 91% of Obama supporters used Firefox to dig up dirt on McCain. That's Firefox: 312, Internet Explorer: 6. We'll keep you updated on any further changes in score in the oncoming weeks.

This edition of LTE's Statistical Anomalies is brought to you by: Soyhug's organic vegan soy gravy. That's Soyhug organic vegan soy gravy - because cow flatulence causes hurricanes and if you pinch your nose it almost tastes like real gravy, sort of. Mmmm. Have you had your Soyhug organic vegan soy gravy today?

Soyhug's products are not responsible for the environmental conditions of Earth or any other planet, or genetic mutation in fish or humans.

Anonymous Confessions: Volume 1

Anonymous Confessions: Volume 1

Sometime after purchasing a 'members only' jacket at a garage sale, I converted to an alternative lifestyle. It was after I was accosted by a man outside the local Wal-Mart. He said '' 'Members Only' jackets are for queers, MARY!'' and walked on. Though I'd never thought of the intimate company of another man before, I immediately knew that I was in fact one of those said queers. A Mary, as the case may be. Gayer than Liberace's left nut.

The man who had accosted me was unlocking his car door when I ran up to him and grabbed his arm. Spinning him around to face me, I yelled ''Only those afraid of their own desires feel the need to make random observations about others' sexuality with a negative connotation, Homo!''. A brawl ensued.

We're now considered a legitimate married couple in Macedonia. It's been nine years. Last Tuesday, while watching an old movie from the eighties, I saw Emilio Estevez was wearing the same jacket I had been so long ago-my ''coming out'' jacket. He was making out with a lovely young lady. It was then I realized, the last phase of my life had been a lie.

Because, if Emilio Estevez was wearing a Members Only jacket, I knew not only gay men wore them. In fact, those permeating with masculinity and man-on-woman sex mojo must be able to wear those jackets if Emilio Estevez ever did! I then realized that all those times I have been rollicking down the Hershey highway, I wasn't even turned on.

I wasn't gay! Steve was wrong all those years ago. I was wrong for even considering his supposition. I don't have the balls or the heart to tell Steve, though. So, I'm just going to keep gaying it up with him, living straight in my mind, in secret. We're going antiquing tomorrow, then to a Coldplay concert. ...Damn it.


This anonymous confession has been brought to you by: McCain's Maverick Butt Plugs. Butt Plugs that stay the course, never pull out and drill for oil when prompted.

Who won the 2008 elections?: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

Yes, I can. . . I'm a maverick, too.

Who won the 2008 elections?: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie


Everyone will be asking who won the 2008 elections, soon. I say, either way, I will still be masturbating to Sarah Palin for at least the next four years. Now, I know some people will have a problem with that. Feminists mostly, thinking that I am sexually objectifying her because of her womanhood. Really? Well, maybe you'll be surprised to know that I will also be equally masturbating to Joe Biden for the next four years, win, lose or draw. Ha! How do you like that? Think I'm not down with feminism? Well, what the Hell do you know?

It should be mentioned that I'll only be masturbating to Joe Biden to be equal. I won't enjoy it at all. I probably won't be able to climax without thinking of him WITH a partner. That's where my Masturbation Fantasy Supplemental Plan strategy comes in. When I watch porn, it's usually man on woman. So, nothing new. You know. Basically, my strategy, even though I can rarely stick to a masturbation fantasy strategy because of my ADD, is to picture Biden having sex with Palin. See, that way it's equal time. Equal sexual objectification. Well, not objectification. Sexual non-discrimination. See? Now, I'm not saying my Masturbation Fantasy Supplemental plan (MFSP) won't ever need to be reformed.

I don't want it to be divisive or what have you. It may need tweaked. There may be external male climax. I might get there and feel like internal male climax is best and external climax is sexist. I don't know. We'll have to see. Run the numbers. Crunch them. Consult the experts. Create a panel of advisory personnel, perhaps. Biden may be on top, Palin may be on top. They may both be in a seated position. There may be slides, trampolines and Velcro. I guarantee that to the best of my ability, nobody will have the upper hand. Palin may wear a strap-on. Again, it won't be anti-feminist. She could be doing the penetrating. How feminist is that? Pretty damn, would be the answer, there. Pretty...Damn.

There will be foreplay. Biden will not objectify Sarah's upper chestial area. Sarah will not squeeze Biden's scrotum in a militant way, either. There may be cupping. Sure, cupping, light rubbing but no squeezing which would give her the upper hand. I couldn't be impartial if there were squeezing. Just the same, Sarah's chest will not be squeezed but only subjected to rubbing and cupping like Biden's testes. Perhaps slight smooshing. No, no, smooshing would be wrong. That would be sexist. I wouldn't have her smooshing Biden's testes, so Biden can't be smooshing her anywhere either. I see that now. The point is, that no matter who wins, I am devoted to these Vice Presidential candidates being masturbated to without bigotry or prejudice towards either. That's my pledge to you, the American people. I'm Stream-of-Consiousness Eddie and I approve this masturbatory message.

This message is paid for by the female committee to get Eddie to masturbate with more frequency and fairness (FCTGETMWMFAF)

Not that I'm interested in fruity sex, but...: by Stream of Consciousness Eddie

Not that I'm interested in fruity sex, but...: by Stream of Consciousness Eddie

I was bored at work during my lunch break and attempting to cut the peel off of an orange in one unbroken peeling. I got about an inch down on the orange and there lay a revelation. I saw the baldness of that hole on top of the orange, peeling shaved off like it had a fruity Brazilian wax (Yeah, I'm not sure if that quite fits either). Staring down on this orange hole, I couldn't help but think that it looked a lot like Ava Devine's anus. Now, if you've never seen Ava Devine's anus, (formerly Ava Divine) than I suggest you Google it. Google it hard. Actually, Google it slow and steady if you get the invite. It's one of the most attractive of the anuses on film. So, anyway, I'm not into RJs (If you know what it stands for, go wash your mouth out with soap immediately...then, go to jail. Go directly to jail...Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, etc...).

So, although I am certainly not into RJs (No more requests, thanks), I was hungry for oranges. I wanted this orange in my belly and there's only one way to do that properly. This miraculous anal/fruital Doppelganger effect left me undeterred... I ate the hell out of that orange hole. I ate that orange hole like I was R. Kelly on a fruitarian bender. Besides, if you've got to eat an orange hole, one that bears a resemblance to Ava Devine's chocolate starfish is certainly the best orange hole that you can eat.

*Interesting fact: Many candies mix orange and chocolate flavors together because it is pleasing to standard human palates. Coincidence? Not really. I just thought I'd mention it.

Disbo and the Shirts: Military humor by Fitzgerald

LTE: Hi, guys. Today, we have our second guest post. This one is from Fitzgerald at: Fitz Blog of Comedy
Fitz also has several other blogs which you can check out on his Blog Catalog page, including his Blues music blog and his modern parenting blog. See them here: Fitzgerald's many blogs

He's a master blogger, if you will. He's also a retired Navy man. He submitted this story to us from his Navy days and we hope you enjoy it and go visit his blog(s). Thanks, Fitz.

Fitzgerald writes:

'' Disbo and the Shirts

When I was in the Navy we often told stories called sea stories. Do you know what the difference between a sea story and a fairy tale is? Well a sea story begins with "Back on my old boat" and a fairy tale begins with "Once upon a time."

Back on my old boat, the USS Valley Forge (CG 50), (yes it was kind of like being with President George Washington back in the colonial days. That is how tough it was.) I had a friend and fellow officer who because of his height, general body size, demeanor and race, was often confused with me. I was the Damage Control Assistance and he was the ships dispersing officer, we called him the Disbo.

He was also in charge of the ships laundry and this caused some tension between us. His men would laundry my shirts and invariably ruin them. They were washing my shirts with ink pens, which caused black stains all up and down the front of my Khaki shirts.

This happened about three or four times, and I would complain to the Disbo. He would tell his men to be more careful and then it would happen again. I was spending a small fortune buying new shirts.

So one day I show up at the stateroom that we shared, and what do I find. Freshly ruined shirts from the ships laundry. Well I am about to blow my stack when I realize that these shirts are not mine but are the Disbo's shirts and his men have confused him with me this time.

So I wait for the Disbo to show up in our state room and when he walks through the door I show him the offending shirts. He goes into full apology mode and begins to explain how easy it is to make this mistake and how other officers are leaving ink pens in their shirt pockets and how he will remind his men to be more careful again. He apologizes as he has done in the past and gives me the general look of I hope you understand.

I graciously accept his apology and then point out to him, that these shirts are not mine, but are in fact his. And that his men down in the laundry have confused the two of us. I go on mocking him, by repeating his explanation and apology.

The look on his face was priceless, he storms out of the stateroom and goes down to the ships laundry. By some stroke of magic, or luck, the ships laundry never destroyed another one of my shirts. It is funny how that all worked out.''

Stream of Consciousness Eddie's thought for the day: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

Stream of Consciousness Eddie's thought for the day: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

The reason why canine flatulence is so terrible is that you don't know it's coming. At least when you do it personally, you can feel it coming and have a sec to brace yourself properly most of the time.

PS: I've been working on some poetry since some people liked my sexual haiku. What do you think of this: ''Dog gas . . . comes from Dog ass. . . I am the walrus.'' That's pretty good, isn't it? I mean, I don't think it's technically stealing from The Beatles. Mostly because I plan on pronouncing it Wal-RASS, just to make it rhyme. Well, you think about it and drop me a line when you've thought it through.