Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Anonymous Confessions: Volume 1

Anonymous Confessions: Volume 1

Sometime after purchasing a 'members only' jacket at a garage sale, I converted to an alternative lifestyle. It was after I was accosted by a man outside the local Wal-Mart. He said '' 'Members Only' jackets are for queers, MARY!'' and walked on. Though I'd never thought of the intimate company of another man before, I immediately knew that I was in fact one of those said queers. A Mary, as the case may be. Gayer than Liberace's left nut.

The man who had accosted me was unlocking his car door when I ran up to him and grabbed his arm. Spinning him around to face me, I yelled ''Only those afraid of their own desires feel the need to make random observations about others' sexuality with a negative connotation, Homo!''. A brawl ensued.

We're now considered a legitimate married couple in Macedonia. It's been nine years. Last Tuesday, while watching an old movie from the eighties, I saw Emilio Estevez was wearing the same jacket I had been so long ago-my ''coming out'' jacket. He was making out with a lovely young lady. It was then I realized, the last phase of my life had been a lie.

Because, if Emilio Estevez was wearing a Members Only jacket, I knew not only gay men wore them. In fact, those permeating with masculinity and man-on-woman sex mojo must be able to wear those jackets if Emilio Estevez ever did! I then realized that all those times I have been rollicking down the Hershey highway, I wasn't even turned on.

I wasn't gay! Steve was wrong all those years ago. I was wrong for even considering his supposition. I don't have the balls or the heart to tell Steve, though. So, I'm just going to keep gaying it up with him, living straight in my mind, in secret. We're going antiquing tomorrow, then to a Coldplay concert. ...Damn it.

This anonymous confession has been brought to you by: McCain's Maverick Butt Plugs. Butt Plugs that stay the course, never pull out and drill for oil when prompted.


collie said...

You are the greatest thing on the planet! I might add that I rocked a Member's Only jacket my first day of public high school that my dad forced me to buy in 1990. In the inner city, that was way uncool! Also not, daddy did not purchase it, he got it in a huge shipment off the back of a truck!!! My daddy was Italian.

Fitzgerald said...

Dude, this is disturbing me. I owned a Member's Only Jacket too, and I'm as straight as you can get.

Unless you count all those years when I was in the submarine navy and 140 men went out to sea and 70 couples came back into port. But hey, "not that there is anything wrong with that."

Your confession, made me confess. And where can I get some of those Butt Plugs from? The urge to "Drill Baby Drill" is very strong. LOL.

Oh, and don't be speaking ill of Liberace's left nut (may he rest in peace) you know it was probably diamond crusted.

YogaforCynics said...

I'm offended, dude.

Emilio Estevez is one of the great actors of our time.

And Coldplay sucks.

And what's with the lame-ass template?

You only wish you were cool enough to wear a Member's Only jacket.

Palin/Romney 2012!