Marie Osmond? What are you crazy? Of course I would!: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

So, I'm watching Marie Osmond's commercial. She's the spokeswoman for Nutrisystem. When I saw this commercial, I just thought 'Oh, sweet mother of God and his brother Jim'. Youtube Fanatic was watching it with me and he says ''Would you?'' and I'm like...''What are you serious?''. Of course I would! I've got news for you, she's 48 years old and still hot. I would've when I was 12, I would've when I was 22 and I would now if given the slightest chance. Have you seen this Nutrisystem commercial? Have you seen it? Plus, Marie's always had those big, beautiful teeth. Man, I love a nice rack, of teeth. I would've become a dentist if I wasn't ...well, it wouldn't have worked out. You couldn't trust me around the nitrous oxide and because of the tooth fetish, I doubt you could trust me around the female patients either. Did you see Jake's fact about dental patients? Scary statistics. I'd hate to add to them. Plus, there's the ADD, I doubt I'd make it through any extra schooling with that. Not important. Anyway, what is important is that Marie is hot. She's hot now that she's lost weight and quite frankly when she got a little hefty...I still would have.


*Remember: More of someone to love is more, so it's good. Less of someone to love means what's there is all the more cherished due to it's increased ounce for ounce rarity. In short, it's all good. The more you know...

Signed,
Stream of Consciousness Eddie, the almost untrustworthy DDM

Just The Tip: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

I told my girlfriend I just wanted to stick it in and get a little bit and she got all whiney and said no. I tried to get it in there anyway. She pulled it away real fast and snapped at me. ''No! Stoppit! It's too big and it's dirty!'' she says. I suggested that I just stick the tip part in. She wouldn't let me anywhere near it.

So, anyway, I didn't get to find out if the soup ladle from dinner would fit into the peanut butter jar. So it had some chili on it? That doesn't make it dirty, per say. So what if it looked too big to fit the scoop side into the jar? She wouldn't even let me stick the tip part of the handle in. That would've fit and it was clean. I had to get up and go get a clean spoon from the silverware drawer and come back. I missed part of Jimmy Kimmel's monologue. What's that about? I think I'm going to break up with her anyway. Way too uptight.


*Remember: The peanut butter jar isn't some kind of sacred, holy thing that needs to be sterile and handled with special care. Lighten up, a peanut butter jar is not a bajingo. It doesn't need special rules for what items you can and can't put in there.

Jake The Flake's Ten Fun Facts: By Jake The Flake

1. In 1976, country balladeer, Kris Kristofferson, played a gynecologist on an episode of Saturday Night Live, opposite Jane Curtin, who played his patient and date.

2. There is a heavyweight boxer named Gerald Nobles whose tough guy nickname is ''The Jedi''.

3. The Singer known as Engelbert Humperdinck legally changed his name TO Engelbert Humperdinck FROM Arnold George Dorsey, taking the new name directly from a famous German Composer.

4. Milton Berle, of all the famous men in show business, is reputed to have had an infamously gigantic penis to put all the rest to shame. Apparently, everyone who knew him was aware of this endowment, especially since he wasn't known to be shy about pulling it out as a conversation piece.

5. If Kitty Wells married Conway Twitty...it would actually be the first time on record that a living country singer married a deceased country singer.

6. 99% of all people cannot remember the last time they had sex in a chair, mostly because their dentist had already anesthetized them.

7. There is a tropical plant named Amorphophallus, from the ancient Greek words, amorphos (meaning without form or deformed) and phallos (meaning penis). Guess what the plant looks like?

8. Some people still fervently believe O. J. Simpson is innocent, despite the fact that he authored a book based on a ''hypothetical'' confession. Johnnie Cochran was that good.

9. The National Science Committee has determined that every time one sneezes, .001 micrograms of excrement are forced out the average person's rectum from the force. Not quite enough for the human eye to notice but more than enough to be disgusting.

10. Lastly on my list of fun facts; this actually happened:




*Remember: Only numbers 6 and 9 are made up. How F*cked up is that?

The Apple Of My Own Eye: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

So, last week my friend was telling me that pesticides have been linked to an increased risk of Parkinson's disease. He said, this is why it's best to eat organic produce or at least make sure I thoroughly wash my fruits and vegetables. So, I had this shiny, waxed, red apple from a fruit basket a few days later. I had just woken up and I was really hungry and I knew it would be a lot of trouble to wash it and get all the wax and junk off. Then I thought 'Screw Parkinson's. I'm Irish. We're survivors.'

Bring it on, Parkinson's.


*Remember: Real Irish people can eat Parkinson's for breakfast.

A Party At Helen Hunt's House: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

I was at a party at Helen Hunt's house. True story. It was a nice house. I liked her monogrammed towels. They were very soft. They were fancy Moroccan towels or something. You know, the kind only rich people have. Especially the kind rich people in show business have because their skin is all sensitive from the years of chemical exposure from the overly intensive make-up applications.

Anyway, I was in her bathroom and unless they had a security camera in there, nobody would be the wiser. She's rich, she can afford more than a few fancy-assed Moroccan goods. So, I took a towel. I stole it. I put it down my waistband and pant leg. I smuggled it out of there.

I started using it in my bathroom but it bothered me that it had her initials on it. Plus, I felt a little effeminate drying my face and hands on dandified, overly soft towels like that. So, you know, I started using it for other stuff. Less dignified stuff. I won't say what. She'll never know. She probably wonders here and there why her monogrammed towel got stolen. All her friends are rich, why do they need to steal?

I'm not a friend. I crashed that party, I wasn't invited and I'm not rich. I'm not proud of it but it's not the worst thing you can do. I just knew there'd be good food there. I was wrong though. It was just cucumber sandwiches and vegan type stuff. I got a really nice towel out of it though. I watch Helen's movies sometimes and if the character is likable, I'll be like ''I wish I hadn't stolen her towel but it's way too late to give it back now.''

*Remember: They can't do that much to you for stealing a towel or crashing a party unless you do something crazy. Just don't be crazy. Talk to people, lie and say you're in independent films or something that sounds show businesslike. Eat the cucumber sandwiches like they're good, be gracious and don't steal anything more significant than a monogrammed towel. Nobody'll care that much.

It's been a while since my last post and you can thank the George Foreman Grill: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

So, I wanted to buy a George Foreman grill. One of those special ones that cook things on both sides so you know the food is done and you won't get big intestinal parasites, you know. The thing is, if you char the crap out of a piece of meat, you're good. Parasites and their eggs can't exist in charcoal, I guess. So, I call the company, right? I tell them how I'm a hard bargainer because that always lets 'em know not to try and screw me. They tell me that they don't bargain but I think we both know what that means. It means, this game is on like Donkey Kong bee-atch. So, I say it's not about the money. I say, I'm more than happy to buy three grills but I have a special request if that's gonna happen, right? I say, I need to buy them directly from George Foreman himself. They put me on hold. I was disconnected after fifteen minutes. I know what's going on. They're testing me. I'll wait for them to make the next move.



*Remember: You're not sure it's a genuine parasite protecting, thorough cooking George Foreman Grill until you're sure it's George himself selling it to you. That's how they get you and you get stuck with some Foreman knock-off crap.