Excerpts from: Tales of The Gunfighter And The Prostitute And The Indian And The Law by Fairy Druderbaum

Excerpts from: Tales of The Gunfighter And The Prostitute And The Indian And The Law by Fairy Druderbaum

We hope you enjoy this advanced copy excerpt of the soon to arrive latest Wild West novel by acclaimed New York fashion designer, Fairy Druderbaum. The following is printed with permission. All Rights Reserved © 2008 Fairydru, Inc.

From chapter 13, page 13:

''The gunfighter and the Mexican in the yellow hat stood at the center of town. It was not yet high noon but just eleven something. The gunfighter stared at the Mexican in the yellow hat but saw no fear. ''Alright, boys. Let's make it clean. No bullets to the face or groin. Especially the groin. If one or both of you survive, I want some viable customers out of ya.'' said the prostitute. The gunfighter nodded, wondering what the prostitute's name was. The Mexican nodded but wondered why it wasn't clear he was more of a man's man. 'The big banana yellow hat with the black silk sash should have been a clear enough message.' he thought.

Everyone backed up. The gunfighter began to feel a strange anal itch. A tickling, itchiness that he did not like. He wondered if perhaps it was not a parasite poking its head out for air. After all, he did like his pork barely cooked. No matter... There was killing to be done. 'Oh! There it is again!' he thought. It was very distracting.

Staring at the Mexican's eyes wondering who would be able to draw first, he shifted his right butt cheek to try and quash the itch and if it was a parasite, maybe just squeeze its head back into the hole. Just then, the Mexican pulled his pistol with the pink diamond studded handle and fired before the gunfighter could finish his buttockal shift and BLAM!...''

Look for another excerpt from Fairy's novel, next week. It'll be out in time for Christmas shopping, in case you were worried.

This excerpt has been brought to you by Fairydru footy pajama add-ons. If your pajamas don't have the feet in 'em, then you can always ask Fairydru to help!

Anonymous Confessions, volume 2: The old man's troubles

Anonymous Confessions, volume 2: The old man's troubles

This monologue was recorded with a tape recorder in the basement of an anonymous old man and written down for publishing with permission. Names have been changed.


''Well, I ran into old Nelly Biggles at the church bake sale today. Bought some, uh, nut butter crispies, there. Won't be able to chew 'em up too good less I dip 'em in my coffee. That's the way I like 'em. . .You like cookies? Here. Have one. You probably got yourself your original good teeth. Oh, old Nelly Biggles. . . Boy was she a piece O' tail back in the day. Breasts so perky her nipples would get hard enough to cut glass, like the diamonds do. Bottom so squeezable it was like a firm, uh, uh, uh, thing, I suppose. Now, she's just a dried up old windbag for Jesus. Jesus this and Jesus that.

She didn't never used to talk no Jesus when she was talkin' 'bout sexin' and sinnin'. No, sir! Ah, well. Good times is gone now. No, why, she just looks like a slinky with eyes, now. Nobody wants her talkin' 'bout no sexin' anymore, that's for sure. But, she could talk 'bout Jesus a little less. The man was humble; wouldn't want to be the center of attention every dadblamed minute! ''EHHH, buy these nut butter crispies for the Lord!'' she says. Shut up, woman. You've got yourself a problem.

The Lord don't want no nothing from cookie sales. He's fine. You're the one who ain't fine. You probably still goin' ta Hell with all that sinnin' we did back up on old Bushmill Hill. Why even through the war, I never encountered such a slut. Was a great girl, then anyway. Ah, I'm not complainin'.

Now, why, I'm limper than a rubber noodle on a Tuesday dinner plate just tryin' to compete with the buttered ear of corn, if ya catch my drift. So, it's not like I'm runnin' her down for bein' older. No, I don't have the sex anymore. Truthfully, I'm glad I don't.

I stopped likin' sex around my eightieth, as it can go with a bad back and a bad hip...well, and a limp noodle, too...I suppose. Not much in it for me anymore. That's why I got a dog. Dogs don't want no sexin', just food.

Well, I suppose they is some dogs that are perverts and do want sexin' from people but then again, they is some people that is perverts who want the sexin' from dogs but I ain't talkin' 'bout those ones. No, I'm talkin' of normal dogs, you see. They is good, not perverts.

Why, I'm a normal, non-perverted man, myself. I don't want nothin' from my dog but somebody to talk to. Somebody that don't ramble on 'bout Jesus all the time.

Anyway, I guess that's my confession- That I'm all jelly in the under shorts and I used to get sinful with old man Biggles' daughter, Nelly and I only talk to my dog.

Just so we're clear, it's just talk, once again. Neither of us is perverts or nothin'. . . Okay, you boys better leave now. It's time for the Wheel of Fortune and I've got to take my fish oil or I won't be able to get my second movement in before I go to sleep.''

*This edition of Anonymous Confessions is brought to you by Johnson's Bottles.

Johnson's Bottles: Bottles for your Johnson.

LTE's Statistical Anomalies: Politics And The Internet

LTE would like to report that 83% of McCain supporters used Internet Explorer to dig up dirt on Obama, while 91% of Obama supporters used Firefox to dig up dirt on McCain. That's Firefox: 312, Internet Explorer: 6. We'll keep you updated on any further changes in score in the oncoming weeks.

This edition of LTE's Statistical Anomalies is brought to you by: Soyhug's organic vegan soy gravy. That's Soyhug organic vegan soy gravy - because cow flatulence causes hurricanes and if you pinch your nose it almost tastes like real gravy, sort of. Mmmm. Have you had your Soyhug organic vegan soy gravy today?

Soyhug's products are not responsible for the environmental conditions of Earth or any other planet, or genetic mutation in fish or humans.

Anonymous Confessions: Volume 1

Anonymous Confessions: Volume 1

Sometime after purchasing a 'members only' jacket at a garage sale, I converted to an alternative lifestyle. It was after I was accosted by a man outside the local Wal-Mart. He said '' 'Members Only' jackets are for queers, MARY!'' and walked on. Though I'd never thought of the intimate company of another man before, I immediately knew that I was in fact one of those said queers. A Mary, as the case may be. Gayer than Liberace's left nut.

The man who had accosted me was unlocking his car door when I ran up to him and grabbed his arm. Spinning him around to face me, I yelled ''Only those afraid of their own desires feel the need to make random observations about others' sexuality with a negative connotation, Homo!''. A brawl ensued.

We're now considered a legitimate married couple in Macedonia. It's been nine years. Last Tuesday, while watching an old movie from the eighties, I saw Emilio Estevez was wearing the same jacket I had been so long ago-my ''coming out'' jacket. He was making out with a lovely young lady. It was then I realized, the last phase of my life had been a lie.

Because, if Emilio Estevez was wearing a Members Only jacket, I knew not only gay men wore them. In fact, those permeating with masculinity and man-on-woman sex mojo must be able to wear those jackets if Emilio Estevez ever did! I then realized that all those times I have been rollicking down the Hershey highway, I wasn't even turned on.

I wasn't gay! Steve was wrong all those years ago. I was wrong for even considering his supposition. I don't have the balls or the heart to tell Steve, though. So, I'm just going to keep gaying it up with him, living straight in my mind, in secret. We're going antiquing tomorrow, then to a Coldplay concert. ...Damn it.


This anonymous confession has been brought to you by: McCain's Maverick Butt Plugs. Butt Plugs that stay the course, never pull out and drill for oil when prompted.

Who won the 2008 elections?: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

Yes, I can. . . I'm a maverick, too.

Who won the 2008 elections?: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie


Everyone will be asking who won the 2008 elections, soon. I say, either way, I will still be masturbating to Sarah Palin for at least the next four years. Now, I know some people will have a problem with that. Feminists mostly, thinking that I am sexually objectifying her because of her womanhood. Really? Well, maybe you'll be surprised to know that I will also be equally masturbating to Joe Biden for the next four years, win, lose or draw. Ha! How do you like that? Think I'm not down with feminism? Well, what the Hell do you know?

It should be mentioned that I'll only be masturbating to Joe Biden to be equal. I won't enjoy it at all. I probably won't be able to climax without thinking of him WITH a partner. That's where my Masturbation Fantasy Supplemental Plan strategy comes in. When I watch porn, it's usually man on woman. So, nothing new. You know. Basically, my strategy, even though I can rarely stick to a masturbation fantasy strategy because of my ADD, is to picture Biden having sex with Palin. See, that way it's equal time. Equal sexual objectification. Well, not objectification. Sexual non-discrimination. See? Now, I'm not saying my Masturbation Fantasy Supplemental plan (MFSP) won't ever need to be reformed.

I don't want it to be divisive or what have you. It may need tweaked. There may be external male climax. I might get there and feel like internal male climax is best and external climax is sexist. I don't know. We'll have to see. Run the numbers. Crunch them. Consult the experts. Create a panel of advisory personnel, perhaps. Biden may be on top, Palin may be on top. They may both be in a seated position. There may be slides, trampolines and Velcro. I guarantee that to the best of my ability, nobody will have the upper hand. Palin may wear a strap-on. Again, it won't be anti-feminist. She could be doing the penetrating. How feminist is that? Pretty damn, would be the answer, there. Pretty...Damn.

There will be foreplay. Biden will not objectify Sarah's upper chestial area. Sarah will not squeeze Biden's scrotum in a militant way, either. There may be cupping. Sure, cupping, light rubbing but no squeezing which would give her the upper hand. I couldn't be impartial if there were squeezing. Just the same, Sarah's chest will not be squeezed but only subjected to rubbing and cupping like Biden's testes. Perhaps slight smooshing. No, no, smooshing would be wrong. That would be sexist. I wouldn't have her smooshing Biden's testes, so Biden can't be smooshing her anywhere either. I see that now. The point is, that no matter who wins, I am devoted to these Vice Presidential candidates being masturbated to without bigotry or prejudice towards either. That's my pledge to you, the American people. I'm Stream-of-Consiousness Eddie and I approve this masturbatory message.

This message is paid for by the female committee to get Eddie to masturbate with more frequency and fairness (FCTGETMWMFAF)

Not that I'm interested in fruity sex, but...: by Stream of Consciousness Eddie

Not that I'm interested in fruity sex, but...: by Stream of Consciousness Eddie

I was bored at work during my lunch break and attempting to cut the peel off of an orange in one unbroken peeling. I got about an inch down on the orange and there lay a revelation. I saw the baldness of that hole on top of the orange, peeling shaved off like it had a fruity Brazilian wax (Yeah, I'm not sure if that quite fits either). Staring down on this orange hole, I couldn't help but think that it looked a lot like Ava Devine's anus. Now, if you've never seen Ava Devine's anus, (formerly Ava Divine) than I suggest you Google it. Google it hard. Actually, Google it slow and steady if you get the invite. It's one of the most attractive of the anuses on film. So, anyway, I'm not into RJs (If you know what it stands for, go wash your mouth out with soap immediately...then, go to jail. Go directly to jail...Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, etc...).

So, although I am certainly not into RJs (No more requests, thanks), I was hungry for oranges. I wanted this orange in my belly and there's only one way to do that properly. This miraculous anal/fruital Doppelganger effect left me undeterred... I ate the hell out of that orange hole. I ate that orange hole like I was R. Kelly on a fruitarian bender. Besides, if you've got to eat an orange hole, one that bears a resemblance to Ava Devine's chocolate starfish is certainly the best orange hole that you can eat.

*Interesting fact: Many candies mix orange and chocolate flavors together because it is pleasing to standard human palates. Coincidence? Not really. I just thought I'd mention it.