Ladies and gentleman, there is a threat to American homes that has never been more prevalent or dangerous. A threat so big and so potentially alarming to the public that most news programs refuse to cover it. A threat that could have you as John or Jane Q. Public running for the hills. It's invaded many American homes and a few Canadian ones already.
Why isn't this issue taken seriously? Why aren't these threatening figures out there being reported by CNN or WKRP? Because they've been made to look like benign factors by the very misinformed Michael Keaton movie known as Multiplicity. The threat I'm talking about is of course, clones. Clones are not nice life-helpers or neat conversation pieces. You can't take your clone out on a double date or order them to mow your lawn. The fact of the matter is that you can't live with your clone at all. But, they don't tell you this.
*Fact: Clones immediately kill whoever they're cloned from, if and when the opportunity presents itself.
*Fact: Your clone will pretend to be you and refuse to ever come clean about being your clone once they've disposed of your body and taken over your life.
*Fact: You can't know a clone when you see one. You might be living with one as we speak. It might have killed and chosen to impersonate your wife, husband, roommate, Uncle, Grandmother, child, nanny or that young Norwegian art student who rents out your attic.
*Fact: Clones eat kittens for fuel. You'll never know because there will be no remains. They eat their cute kitten ears and their tiny kitten paws and their scrawny kitten tails. They do so indiscriminately, with no regard whatsoever to whether or not the kitten deserves it and they don't care if it's a family pet. Clones need to eat and they have a very strong instinct for self preservation.
*Fact: Clones purposefully spit in your food. If you allow a clone to make you a sandwich or cook Sunday dinner, there will be clone loogy hawked all over it.
*Fact: Clone loogy isn't like normal human loogy. It's highly acidic and will give you heartburn. If you've ingested enough clone loogy, you will develop ulcerative colitis.
*Fact: Clones are racist. Whatever race a clone is will be the only race they like. *The exception to this rule is a multiracial clone. They tend to not be racist but they are usually communists.
*Fact: Clones are predisposed to follow Scientology. They won't say anything about it but they'll never miss a John Travolta or Tom Cruise movie. Given enough time, all clones will be able to recite all the dialogue in Battlefield Earth and Jerry Maguire. No one knows why but many conspiracy theories have been offered by Richard Belzer.
*Fact: Clones are not exact replicas of the person they are cloned from. In fact, clones are smarter, stronger and have more pronounced genitalia than their predecessors.
*Fact: Clones are evil. They will not use their intellect, strength or enhanced sex characteristics for the forces of good. Only to eat kittens, watch John Travolta movies and spit in your food.
Now that you are aware of the danger of clones, please be careful. When a clone is found out, they become extremely homicidal and sometimes explode, engulfing you in flame. For more information on buying a home clone detector for just $19.95 or, roughly the cost of one cup of coffee on the way to work, please call 1-800-AcidLoogyBad or go to Amazon.com.