Jake The Flake's Top Ten List Of Tiny 'Damn It' Moments: By Jake The Flake

Jake The Flake's Top Ten List Of Tiny 'Damn It' Moments: By Jake The Flake


What is a *tiny* 'damn it' moment? It's the kind where it won't piss you off for more than two seconds but it's just bad enough for you to mumble ''Damn it!'' under your breath in a whisper before you immediately forget about it and move on. These are my top ten right now:


1. When it's too dim for you and you go to turn the light on and realize the light's already on and it's still too dim for you! Damn it!

2. When you call someone you want to talk to and someone you don't want to talk to answers the phone. Granted, they don't want to talk to you either but when they answer it's just inconvenient enough for you to think 'Damn it!' before asking this lousy bum if the person you really want to talk to is available.

3. When you feel something that you think is a bug and it's just a hair that you KNOW will fool you again later.

4. When you think you're done defecating and just when you go to wipe, you realize you're not done. You have things to do! Let's get this shit over with! Literally!

5. When you're in the shower and the bar of soap starts falling apart and damn it, can't a person just wash their crotch without these kinds of obstacles, damn it?!!!.

6. When you're almost asleep and you know you have to pee or there will be consequences.

7. When you wake up from a sound sleep because your bladder is full and you're uncomfortable and there's a split second of annoyance before you contemplate getting up and say 'Damn it' just before losing consciousness again.

8. When you patiently wait for your morning coffee to be done and when you go out to get it, you realize you never turned the damn thing on, damn it!

9. When you patiently wait for your morning toast even though you think you've perfectly timed it to coincide with the preferred doneness of your eggs and you notice the toaster isn't plugged in and you only have yourself to blame, damn ya!

10. When you fast forward or rewind something on TV by just a vajingo hair too much and your nonstop stream of amusement is ever so slightly halted for a second, horrifyingly leaving your entertainment addicted brain in a frenzy of your own reality before Deal or No Deal is back where you want it and you can breathe again. Shwoo! For a second there you couldn't tune out that ugly, peeling wallpaper on the wall behind your TV set and that kid yelling in the background trying to get the family dog to sit still while he draws on his fur with permanent marker! Gees, that was a close one! Who wants to pay attention to that crap!

Still No Question of Eddie's Sexuality: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

I was feeling embarrassed because I couldn't get a homosexual song out of my head this morning. It's called ''I kissed a girl'' by Katy Perry. Now, there's nothing wrong with homosexual songs. I got no beef with 'em. It's that well-I'm straight. So it felt wrong to be singing such a gay song in my head. I was embarrassed and that was my problem is what I'm saying. Anyway, after a while I realized it's not gay if I'M the one singing it. I'm a man. It's no more gay than when I'm the one watching lesbian porn. Female homosexuality is male heterosexuality. See? Crisis averted.

*Remember: Everything Katy Perry talks about in that song is perfectly heterosexual for a man to do except for having a boyfriend. Wait-well-Oh, yeah. I forgot, in the song she has a boyfriend. . . Damned! Okay, so it's still a little gay for me to sing this in my head. Whatever. It's really catchy.

LTE's Crazy Historical Facts: The origin of the saying ''When the shit hits the fan'' (and further variations)

LTE's Crazy Historical Facts: The origin of the saying ''When the shit hits the fan'' (and further variations)

The often uncredited inventor of one of the first working mechanical fans was Armenian engineer Eldar Zadian. Little did he know that his 1841 instrument would be the origin of the crass terms ''when the shit hits the fan'' and ''the shit's gonna hit the fan''. In the Armenian wars over the Dojekhstani border, General Portnoy Mintolbahn was known as ''Schitenstribolt'' or the shit-fanner.

General Mintolbahn was known primarily for a method of torture whereby he would utilize his fellow Armenian's mechanical fan and the manure collected from local peasant farms. The fan would run during interrogations, punishments, etc. When the torture was to be doled out, whether for more information or because the General suspected a lie or simply as a routine penalty, the feces of various animals, sometimes humans would be dropped onto the fan propelling the ''ammunition'' all over the victim.

It was not a torture for precision as others in the room were splattered by the feces which often had maggots. They wore protective garb, except for the General who would leave the room. The General stands as a fairly unique historical figure. It is said that he was born without a sense of smell and didn't mind the scent of dung. Regardless, a saying resulted from his actions. It came into minor use in Armenia around this time (First noted in 1846). Whenever there was trouble, the ''shit had hit the fan'' or would soon enough. It was a saying that started among General Mintolbahn's subordinates but rapidly spread through Armenia and greater Europe, translating into hundreds of languages and dialects.

Austrian historian and etymologist Arnold Schpreddim says that the saying was brought to America by (illegal) Austrian immigrants sometime in the roaring 1920's and though America crushed illegal immigration from Austria successfully with their ''No more'' policy, it was too late to keep a good saying down. Besides, if it weren't for the Austrians, we all know the Albanians, Swedish and of course Armenians immigrating into the states would have gotten the job done.


*Remember: The next time you use this phrase, you will know that a crap-load of Armenians once meant it literally.

Sources:
1. America's Sayings Didn't Just Happen! By Russell Sultrick
2. Chestnuts, Epigrams and Bears-Oh my! - an article issued in the Etymology Glue Magazine by Werner von Cruz.

Encyclopedia Brahumana: Constantine Flatus

Encyclopedia Brahumana:

Search Term: Flatus

Search Results: 1


1. Constantine Flatus: Famous soldier during the Greco-Roman war of 215 B.C.E.
Known for superior strategic maneuvers during wartime; even under crippling gastroenterological distress caused by the typical Mediterranean diet.

Chain Letters: Are They Real?

Certain members of LTE have been getting a freakish combination of chain letters and SPAM from ''foreign investors'' and such. We won't say who, but an anonymous member(s) of LTE started a chain letter just to prove that people are morons and will believe and send anything. We don't know if it will work. I personally feel that the human race would not propagate such tomfoolery. At any rate, this is what a certain member or members of LTE came up with:

With such enthusiastic and wise benefactors of Boahbo's holy word as spirited singer Kylie Minogue, film maker Werner Herzog and respected news anchor Gretchen Carlson we cannot fail:

Dear faithful or future servant,

This email contains the sacred written word of Boahbo = God. In 1993 it was placed in circulation by Aulburd Hukbart as a symbol of his sacred faith. You must send it to 8 people or suffer Boahbo's wrath. If you do not believe in Boahbo it is of no consequence to him only to yourselves. If you do not choose to spread the sacred word, it will come back to haunt you as it did Aaron Proiyeur of the French embassy in Toulon. As CNN documented in late 1997, he was given this email containing the Akluh En ta han or loosely translated ''Signature of faithful servitude'' and chose only to ignore it like so many other savages. As it was well documented, the very day that he deleted Boahbo's sacred words, he suffered from a ''mysterious heart defect'' which was not earlier detected and caused his death. Surely, only a savage could dismiss this.

If this were not enough, Andrea Sameson of Fairsley, Indiana received this email and was converted from her protestant Christian background with the touch of Boahbo's grace and purity. Trying to share his holy words as more in the western world do than you may imagine, she sent Akluh En ta han to her ailing mother to help her. Her mother, angered by what a savage would call blasphemy, deleted the message and called her daughter upset that she'd turned away from their family faith. Andrea and her mother bitterly argued over the phone for half an hour. Her mother would not accept the true holy words.

Within one week's time while driving to the local park, her nose began to bleed. The bleeding was uncontrollable and her sister said that she was dead within twenty minutes. Doctors blamed scar tissue from a surgery she'd had on a deviated septum more than fifteen years earlier. But we know that this cannot be. We know that Boahbo was not well pleased. Please pass the following words of Boahbo to 8 people or more and keep them to treasure and draw strength from. The more people you send it to, the more Boahbo's grace and purity shall touch your life.

I myself was living in crippling poverty on the streets of Toulon when I received the message and have made it my life's work to pass the message on to others ignorant of such power. Since doing this, I have become wealthy in riches and spirit. I have married a beautiful woman from Loire and we have seven children and many friends. I have my own business in electronics distribution and each day hold my left hand up to the holy word for five minutes and tell all that I can about it, helping the modern prophet Aulburd Hukbart spread the word of the fair Boahbo even while I sleep as I know my electronic messages travel the world as do his.

The word cannot be directly translated as per the faith but keeping it near is all that matters. If you can speak it in the original Toulane you would appreciate it all the more but it is not required.

Signed with peace and love, Boahbo's grace and purity to all,

Tinsdale Mijjarrifit

The sacred word:

''Akluh En ta han''/В мой последний день С Моей Обезьяной: Потоком Сознания Эдди От Ленивого Третьего поста Глаза:
Я надевал мое белое пальто лаборатории и таращу глаза и шел в комнату с клипбордом и крепкой ручкой. Я сел поперек стола от обезьяны, кто смотрел на меня солнечными, шутливыми глазами и pursed губами. Он еще не бросал вызов моей власти, и ясно, что я прохожу к нему. Я сажусь и говорю, что "Вы можете начать, Baldo." Его зовут Baldo, между прочим. Он решает поразить зеленую кнопку сначала.

The last part is a piece of one of Stream of Consciousness Eddie's posts translated into Russian with a free online translator. The names of the people involved are made up as well as the name Boahbo. Don't be so superstitious! However, if you know superstitious people who must send this letter, you might want to send them this, I'm sure it'll be worth a laugh. Maybe it will circulate around the globe many times and we'll be featured on snopes. Either way, I thought I'd share.

Sincerely with purity and grace,
Matt-moderator, editor and occasional contributor at LTE.

My Last Day With My Monkey: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

It was the summer of 19 and 91. I was about to learn something about life and science that I could never UNlearn. As I showed the security guard my identification card, I couldn't help but sing ''Right Here, Right Now'' by Jesus Jones in my head. I hated that song but I couldn't stop no matter what I did. The security guard looked at me suspiciously...almost as if he knew that I was singing Jesus Jones in my head. I smiled at him, timidly if not apologetically. I stepped into the office where my colleagues awaited me. The experiments would never take place without me. They always said they needed me for the experiments although I had the utmost confidence in each of their abilities to take on the same tasks.

I put on my white lab coat and goggles and walked into the room with the clipboard and a sturdy pen. I sat down across the table from the monkey who looked at me with shiny, quizzical eyes and pursed lips. He was not yet challenging my authority and it is clear that I'm getting through to him. I sit down and say ''You may begin, Baldo.'' His name is Baldo, by the way. He decides to hit the green button first.

Following the psychological conditioning lessons to the letter, I begin my impression of Ralph Furley from Three's Company. Whenever he hits the red button, I turn around and moon him, ready to pull my pants up quickly, in case he gets any bright ideas. This goes on for a half an hour until Doctor Jabulli comes in and hands the monkey fifty dollars, telling him they will finish the tests on me and that he can go back to fixing the school's ventilation system. It was then that I realized, I may have been conducting these experiments under false pretenses.

I never again chose to work in the field of Primate Psychology Studies and every time I see Baldo come by with his tool box, I fight the urge to moon him and instead fixedly stare in disgust. To think, I fed sugar cubes to that little bastard and once even sang Jesus Jones for him.

A Medical Update That Could Save No One's Life: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

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My doctor said it seems I don't really have ADD after all. It turns out it's much more likely that I'm too rude to pay attention if I'm bored. Go figure.
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...Did Van Damme really get an erection on Live TV? By Youtube Fanatic

Here are my three video picks today, enjoy:



Video #1. Jean-Claude Van Damme's penis supposedly works. Here he is getting an erection on Live television? Yeah, I don't know for sure either. Is he pretending? I can't tell but he does look rather embarrassed and I know he's not exactly a Deniro caliber actor. From what I understand, this is Jean-Claude on Brazilian television show, Domingo Legal. He hung out there for a while, dancing and playing around. The clip is of him first dancing with Sheila Mello, then with Gretchen, a Brazillian singer, actress and porn starlet. As you can see, this second woman he dances with on the video grinds like a ...like a grindy thing. This allegedly leads to turning the self appointed ''Muscles from Brussels'' on more than is considered publicly acceptable. Did he really get his Brussels Muscle worked into a frenzy? You tell me.

If embed code goes mercilessly unavailable, the address is: http://youtube.com/watch?v=6WrNErNxX1M




Video #2. The Internet favorite, We Are The World, the Japanese Karaoke version. These guys are clearly serious about their impersonations as they seem to be phonetically sounding out the lyrics. Though they did a great job, I laughed hard when they did the first We Are The World in America and I laughed A LOT HARDER when they did this one...though, once again, they did a great job. I have no doubt that if we tried to the same thing with their stars like Holi and Misia, it'd be pretty funny to them too. Let's be real. Okay, I had to Google ''Japanese pop singers'' so I could mention Holi and Misia.

If embed code goes mercilessly unavailable, the address is: http://youtube.com/watch?v=36w-CyqCO1A




Video# 3. Mr. T's 1980's teenage fashion show! Do I really need to say anything else about this one? Except for mentioning that it is exactly what I just said it is, I don't think I need to say anything else. It's just great on its own.

If embed code goes mercilessly unavailable, the address is: http://youtube.com/watch?v=1jfBGhWo760

Marie Osmond? What are you crazy? Of course I would!: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

So, I'm watching Marie Osmond's commercial. She's the spokeswoman for Nutrisystem. When I saw this commercial, I just thought 'Oh, sweet mother of God and his brother Jim'. Youtube Fanatic was watching it with me and he says ''Would you?'' and I'm like...''What are you serious?''. Of course I would! I've got news for you, she's 48 years old and still hot. I would've when I was 12, I would've when I was 22 and I would now if given the slightest chance. Have you seen this Nutrisystem commercial? Have you seen it? Plus, Marie's always had those big, beautiful teeth. Man, I love a nice rack, of teeth. I would've become a dentist if I wasn't ...well, it wouldn't have worked out. You couldn't trust me around the nitrous oxide and because of the tooth fetish, I doubt you could trust me around the female patients either. Did you see Jake's fact about dental patients? Scary statistics. I'd hate to add to them. Plus, there's the ADD, I doubt I'd make it through any extra schooling with that. Not important. Anyway, what is important is that Marie is hot. She's hot now that she's lost weight and quite frankly when she got a little hefty...I still would have.


*Remember: More of someone to love is more, so it's good. Less of someone to love means what's there is all the more cherished due to it's increased ounce for ounce rarity. In short, it's all good. The more you know...

Signed,
Stream of Consciousness Eddie, the almost untrustworthy DDM

Just The Tip: By Stream of Consciousness Eddie

I told my girlfriend I just wanted to stick it in and get a little bit and she got all whiney and said no. I tried to get it in there anyway. She pulled it away real fast and snapped at me. ''No! Stoppit! It's too big and it's dirty!'' she says. I suggested that I just stick the tip part in. She wouldn't let me anywhere near it.

So, anyway, I didn't get to find out if the soup ladle from dinner would fit into the peanut butter jar. So it had some chili on it? That doesn't make it dirty, per say. So what if it looked too big to fit the scoop side into the jar? She wouldn't even let me stick the tip part of the handle in. That would've fit and it was clean. I had to get up and go get a clean spoon from the silverware drawer and come back. I missed part of Jimmy Kimmel's monologue. What's that about? I think I'm going to break up with her anyway. Way too uptight.


*Remember: The peanut butter jar isn't some kind of sacred, holy thing that needs to be sterile and handled with special care. Lighten up, a peanut butter jar is not a bajingo. It doesn't need special rules for what items you can and can't put in there.

Jake The Flake's Ten Fun Facts: By Jake The Flake

1. In 1976, country balladeer, Kris Kristofferson, played a gynecologist on an episode of Saturday Night Live, opposite Jane Curtin, who played his patient and date.

2. There is a heavyweight boxer named Gerald Nobles whose tough guy nickname is ''The Jedi''.

3. The Singer known as Engelbert Humperdinck legally changed his name TO Engelbert Humperdinck FROM Arnold George Dorsey, taking the new name directly from a famous German Composer.

4. Milton Berle, of all the famous men in show business, is reputed to have had an infamously gigantic penis to put all the rest to shame. Apparently, everyone who knew him was aware of this endowment, especially since he wasn't known to be shy about pulling it out as a conversation piece.

5. If Kitty Wells married Conway Twitty...it would actually be the first time on record that a living country singer married a deceased country singer.

6. 99% of all people cannot remember the last time they had sex in a chair, mostly because their dentist had already anesthetized them.

7. There is a tropical plant named Amorphophallus, from the ancient Greek words, amorphos (meaning without form or deformed) and phallos (meaning penis). Guess what the plant looks like?

8. Some people still fervently believe O. J. Simpson is innocent, despite the fact that he authored a book based on a ''hypothetical'' confession. Johnnie Cochran was that good.

9. The National Science Committee has determined that every time one sneezes, .001 micrograms of excrement are forced out the average person's rectum from the force. Not quite enough for the human eye to notice but more than enough to be disgusting.

10. Lastly on my list of fun facts; this actually happened:




*Remember: Only numbers 6 and 9 are made up. How F*cked up is that?

The Apple Of My Own Eye: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

So, last week my friend was telling me that pesticides have been linked to an increased risk of Parkinson's disease. He said, this is why it's best to eat organic produce or at least make sure I thoroughly wash my fruits and vegetables. So, I had this shiny, waxed, red apple from a fruit basket a few days later. I had just woken up and I was really hungry and I knew it would be a lot of trouble to wash it and get all the wax and junk off. Then I thought 'Screw Parkinson's. I'm Irish. We're survivors.'

Bring it on, Parkinson's.


*Remember: Real Irish people can eat Parkinson's for breakfast.

A Party At Helen Hunt's House: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

I was at a party at Helen Hunt's house. True story. It was a nice house. I liked her monogrammed towels. They were very soft. They were fancy Moroccan towels or something. You know, the kind only rich people have. Especially the kind rich people in show business have because their skin is all sensitive from the years of chemical exposure from the overly intensive make-up applications.

Anyway, I was in her bathroom and unless they had a security camera in there, nobody would be the wiser. She's rich, she can afford more than a few fancy-assed Moroccan goods. So, I took a towel. I stole it. I put it down my waistband and pant leg. I smuggled it out of there.

I started using it in my bathroom but it bothered me that it had her initials on it. Plus, I felt a little effeminate drying my face and hands on dandified, overly soft towels like that. So, you know, I started using it for other stuff. Less dignified stuff. I won't say what. She'll never know. She probably wonders here and there why her monogrammed towel got stolen. All her friends are rich, why do they need to steal?

I'm not a friend. I crashed that party, I wasn't invited and I'm not rich. I'm not proud of it but it's not the worst thing you can do. I just knew there'd be good food there. I was wrong though. It was just cucumber sandwiches and vegan type stuff. I got a really nice towel out of it though. I watch Helen's movies sometimes and if the character is likable, I'll be like ''I wish I hadn't stolen her towel but it's way too late to give it back now.''

*Remember: They can't do that much to you for stealing a towel or crashing a party unless you do something crazy. Just don't be crazy. Talk to people, lie and say you're in independent films or something that sounds show businesslike. Eat the cucumber sandwiches like they're good, be gracious and don't steal anything more significant than a monogrammed towel. Nobody'll care that much.

It's been a while since my last post and you can thank the George Foreman Grill: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

So, I wanted to buy a George Foreman grill. One of those special ones that cook things on both sides so you know the food is done and you won't get big intestinal parasites, you know. The thing is, if you char the crap out of a piece of meat, you're good. Parasites and their eggs can't exist in charcoal, I guess. So, I call the company, right? I tell them how I'm a hard bargainer because that always lets 'em know not to try and screw me. They tell me that they don't bargain but I think we both know what that means. It means, this game is on like Donkey Kong bee-atch. So, I say it's not about the money. I say, I'm more than happy to buy three grills but I have a special request if that's gonna happen, right? I say, I need to buy them directly from George Foreman himself. They put me on hold. I was disconnected after fifteen minutes. I know what's going on. They're testing me. I'll wait for them to make the next move.



*Remember: You're not sure it's a genuine parasite protecting, thorough cooking George Foreman Grill until you're sure it's George himself selling it to you. That's how they get you and you get stuck with some Foreman knock-off crap.

Have you ever?: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

Have you ever had one of those nights where you have just plowed yourself with liquor, blacked out and when you came to, realized you had kinky sex with your aunt? Seriously? Dude, what the hell? That shit wasn't even acceptable in ancient Rome. You need to stop drinking. Now.



*Remember: The difference between a hard drinker and an alcoholic is whether or not they've had super kinky sex with a relative.

Did You Ever?: By Stream Of Consciousness Eddie

Did you ever wake up, kill someone, go back to sleep, wake up again and be like ''Yo, did I just kill someone last night or was that a dream?''



*Remember: If it was a dream, you probably can't be incarcerated.

Mommy, What Does ''Pwn'' Mean?

Pwn - definition:

Verb


When one or more douche bags enforces domination over one or more other douche bags during an inane activity.