It was the summer of 19 and 91. I was about to learn something about life and science that I could never UNlearn. As I showed the security guard my identification card, I couldn't help but sing ''Right Here, Right Now'' by Jesus Jones in my head. I hated that song but I couldn't stop no matter what I did. The security guard looked at me suspiciously...almost as if he knew that I was singing Jesus Jones in my head. I smiled at him, timidly if not apologetically. I stepped into the office where my colleagues awaited me. The experiments would never take place without me. They always said they needed me for the experiments although I had the utmost confidence in each of their abilities to take on the same tasks.
I put on my white lab coat and goggles and walked into the room with the clipboard and a sturdy pen. I sat down across the table from the monkey who looked at me with shiny, quizzical eyes and pursed lips. He was not yet challenging my authority and it is clear that I'm getting through to him. I sit down and say ''You may begin, Baldo.'' His name is Baldo, by the way. He decides to hit the green button first.
Following the psychological conditioning lessons to the letter, I begin my impression of Ralph Furley from Three's Company. Whenever he hits the red button, I turn around and moon him, ready to pull my pants up quickly, in case he gets any bright ideas. This goes on for a half an hour until Doctor Jabulli comes in and hands the monkey fifty dollars, telling him they will finish the tests on me and that he can go back to fixing the school's ventilation system. It was then that I realized, I may have been conducting these experiments under false pretenses.
I never again chose to work in the field of Primate Psychology Studies and every time I see Baldo come by with his tool box, I fight the urge to moon him and instead fixedly stare in disgust. To think, I fed sugar cubes to that little bastard and once even sang Jesus Jones for him.
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